Ask a Person Who Just Finished Reading Richard Preston’s The Demon in the Freezer Very Quickly

Hi, Person Who Just Finished Reading Richard Preston’s The Demon in the Freezer Very Quickly! My question is this: How often do I REALLY have to wash my bra? I’m not Dita Von Teese over here, you know? I don’t have, like, a billion bras. Thanks!

Are you stupid? Seriously? Who cares? When one of THE MANY, TRUST ME, THE MANY sketchy factions who’ve managed to get their hands on a freezer-full of smallpox finally goes nova, your delicates are going to be the last thing on your mind. There are going to be oozing pustules all over your body, including inside your mouth, and right now you’re thinking, oh, it’s only fatal in one-third of cases, I’m feeling lucky, but it’s that one-third who are truly the lucky ones, because they won’t be around to watch SOCIETY BUCKLE AND FALL TO ITS KNEES.

I’m on a limited budget, and eating organic is important to me. I know there are some fruits and veggies that I can get away with buying from conventional farms, so how can I maximize my organic dollar to make the greatest impact on my health?

We’ve got a vaccine, right? That’s what you’re thinking? Well, listen up, cupcake, the CDC got tired of paying the utility bill on THAT stockpile a long time ago, and it was a nasty little mother of a remedy anyway. Not to mention that you need, like, a billion vaccinated people ringing every infected person to even SLOW SHIT DOWN. You think you’re going to get one of the three vials we have left? You think that Obama is gonna say, hey, our brave new world needs freelance lady-bloggers? Yeah. You should have taken calculus like your uncle always said. Too late now!

I’ve always trusted my boyfriend, but this last week or two have gotten me worried. He’s started going to the gym every night after work, he’s dressing better, he seems distracted, he’s texting all the time (AND he’s passworded his phone, not that I think snooping is the right plan), and he never wants to have sex anymore. Could he be cheating on me?

Right now, you should be filling your bathtub with water. You should be doing this every day, just in case the grid goes dark. Tell me, how much food do you have in your pantry? Let me guess: your pantry is a shelf with two half-eaten bags of Pirate’s Booty and a jug of margarita mix. The Mormons keep a year of canned and freeze-dried food on hand at all times. Let’s just say the future belongs to Joseph Smith.

I wouldn’t even be bothering to engage with you on this question, but we’re all going to need people around us we trust when the time comes to hole up in our homes. So, yeah, he’s cheating on you. Get a new boyfriend whose parents have a farm and who can operate a crossbow.