Dating Ethics, Drink-Legs, and Smell Interference

by A Lady

Before my freshmen year of college I had only ever had sex with six people (sounds like a lot already I know). After a horrible violent break up, I started just hooking up when I was drunk. I figure this is the normal college thing to do (maybe). Now, I’m up to 32, possibly 35 by the time you get this. I can’t seem to have a lasting healthy relationship since, and just keep sleeping with people. Since I am not the stereotype insecure drunken party girl who sleeps with people to get affection, I don’t understand why I can’t keep my drink-legs closed, A Lady. Please help.

Hey there, I’m glad you wrote, because there are probably lots of other non-stereotypical girls out there who have the exact same problem!

(Sorry about that. I just feel bad for all those girls with the exact same problem as you that you just painted with that kind of harsh brush. I know you didn’t mean it, though, right? Let’s move on.)

You are not going to like this, but I think you need to stop or at least slow waaay down on the drink for a while. I say that knowing it means this may be both my first and last Ask a Lady appearance — such advice on The Hairpin! But I am willing to risk all this glory because I mean it. If Sober You scratches your head at the randos Trashed You drags home? Lay off the sauce and figure that out.

Speaking of which … you say there was violence at the end of your first big relationship, so it kind of makes sense that part of you might resist getting into another one. The whole drink-boink routine you’ve set up gets you some warm body time while protecting you from feeling betrayed. Nothing risked, nothing lost. But also not much gained, as you have discovered.

These are things you must discuss with a Deanna Troi type, if you can get to one. A trained therapist would be best, but a brilliant friend who loves you can help, too.

What has to happen is, you have to figure out how to tell the story of that heinous breakup in such a way that you profit from it, in a way that lets you wear it as a war medal. What did you learn? How did you grow? You invariably did, so find out how, and claim that as part of you.

Then you can decide with a clearer head who you want to get it on with, and when, and a lot of other important stuff, too.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me laugh, treats me well, blah blah blah. There is only one major problem with him: He smells bad. Not in a BO/Doesn’t Shower sort of way, because I actually think he smells the worst immediately after he showers. He has a smell that I can only describe as yeasty. It bothers me so much that it is interfering with our sex life — I sometimes simply cannot stand to get close to him to cuddle or make out or even just sleep in the same bed. I feel ridiculous, because he’s a truly wonderful guy and I could see myself with him in the long term … except that I don’t think I can deal with his smell. I am not keen to have a “hey, you smell bad” conversation with him, because I don’t think it’s anything that he can control (it’s definitely not a matter of hygeine, cologne, laundry, etc.). Is this just something that I need to get over if I want to stay with him?

Oh gosh. This question is brutal, because it sounds like you really do care about this guy. But if you super dislike the way he smells, then I wonder how you fell in love in the first place? I mean, how did you get past the revulsion to the boning/oxytocin part?

Also, could it be a health issue? Did he always smell this way? Have you asked a (close, discreet) friend if s/he has noticed the same thing?

SO MANY QUESTIONS. What about advice, you say? OK, get ready, here it comes.

Your choices are:

1) Get over it.

2) Break up with him for some bogus reason.

3) Bring it up in the gentlest, sweetest, most objective etc. way, simply to rule out a health issue. Like, a systemic yeast infection may contribute to a yeasty smell, maybe? I don’t know, I’m just conjecturing here, but you should (get him to) Ask A (Lady?) Doctor.

You choose the road. But if you can’t stand how the guy smells, and it’s not something that can be changed, I don’t really see long-term prospects for you two. In my experience, you kinda have to love your person’s particular stank.

What do we think, ladies? What are the boundaries and obligations on this stuff?

Recently, I was unceremoniously dumped by a man who, through word and deed, I believed to be just as crazy about me as I was about him. After several months of passionate and exciting dating, he sent a generic, it’s-not-you-it’s-me email that explained his life was too hectic to accommodate another person. In the weeks since, I have discovered two things: the first is that he is already seeing someone new; as they are both prodigious users of social media, there is also a clear trail of flirtation, if not consummation, that significantly predates the end of our relationship. I would be surprised if this woman had been made aware of my existence.

Secondly, through our many mutual friends, I have learned that he has a reputation for behaving in this kind of duplicitous manner with women. I do not blame our friends for not alterting me to his rep, interpreting this as both optimism on their parts and caution with obviously sticky subject matter. However, a heads up of some kind would have helped me hear his silvery words — he is a salesman from his professional life to his personal, as it turns out — with a bit less credulity. I may still have been left heartbroken, but at least not hoodwinked as well.

Is there an ethical dimension to sharing such info with new paramours? They will do with the info as they please, but I for one would think it relevant information that my new boyfriend had a girlfriend he kept secret from me, and then lied to in order to free himself to see me.

Does the other party deserve to know? Or does it just amount to so much airing of sour grapes?

Barring something like, “This guy literally tried to kill me,” I’m not sure you have much of an obligation to the next Lady in his life. It sounds like both of them are adults, which means their thing is out your hands.

Even if you did feel some moral need to let her know what she’s dealing with, would she listen? If some wild-eyed woman from dude’s past had appeared and told you to beware when the two of you first got together, would you have done something different? Try to remember the hormonal haze, the isn’t-he-wonderful dreamstate that new hookups bring … could one of his exes have broken through that? Or would she just look bitter/crazy/etc.?

Let’s be honest — I don’t care about this other chick, and neither do you. My hypothesis is that you are hurt and stinging and not ready for this to be over, because you’re not done feeling stuff about it yet.

And rightly so! It sounds shitty as hell! Covered in shit! How awful to feel not only rejected but also taken advantage of. I understand this level of mindfuck, and I am sorry you are facing it.

But, seriously, by far the #1 most awesome thing you can do for yourself — and remember, we are more concerned about doing good stuff for you than we are anything else — is to let it go. Be the bigger person, feel as much superiority as you can muster, and delete both them from your Twitter/YouFace/etc.

The next most awesome thing you can do is find something else to do that brings you out of yourself a little. Babysit? Hang out with your grandma? Knit some awesome fingerless gloves and watch The Next Generation? You need something to take your mind off it. Pick a new activity every day if you want — the only requirement is it has to be diverting enough to make you forget about Captain Fuckwad for 44 minutes or so.

I should reiterate that the most important part of this plan is the ban on calling/texting/social media-ing either of them. This boundary must be inviolate. Seriously. Nothing will help you heal faster than rooting them out of your brain.

And when you are feeling better, you can pay it forward by holding the hard line for your other friends in breakups. No contact with exes for a year! And DEFINITELY no contact with exes’ new hookups! Obligation to the sisterhood be damned!

A Lady doesn’t fuck around about this and neither should you.

Please advise me on buying a vibrator. I’ve never done so before and I’m overwhelmed. What features do I want? What brands are the crowd favorites? How much should I be paying for this and where should I purchase it?

Congrats on taking your first steps into a larger world. With more orgasms in it.

I have to admit that this particular A Lady is mostly into finger-based solutions to this problem. But I see that Babeland has a whole set of non-threatening toys designed for the first timer … and I am sure that The Hairspinsters (Ed.: Ahem) have some good suggestions, too. Commenters, start your engines!

Previously: Stretch Marks, Settling, and Vasectomies.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Illustration by Esther Werdiger