An Interview With Australopithecus Sediba

Some scientists are saying that Australopithecus sediba might be the missing link, so we got in touch with one to talk about it.

The Hairpin: Good morning!

Australopithecus Sediba: What up, what up!

THP: How’s it going?

AS: Good! Glad to be here.

THP: It’s great to have you. SO. Let’s cut to the chase — are you the missing link?

AS: Haha, not even some dungwine first?

THP: My bad! It’s only 11:30 a.m., though.

AS: It’s [smashes my watch] o’clock somewhere, though.

THP: Ahh, wait, that was a present.

AS: What’s a “present”?

THP: When someone gives you something. Like at a birthday or a holiday.

AS: Sort of like when Glont would find a berry and give it to me, even though he loves berries?

THP: Exactly. Is Glont your … ?

AS: Glont died in a cave, getting me berries.

THP: I’m sorry.

AS: Glont was reaching for some of my favorite berries, and the rocks gave way beneath him, and he fell down into a secret cave.

THP: I’m so sorry, that —

AS: But he didn’t die yet.

THP: Oh.

AS: He just broke his leg. But he had the berries with him, so he lay at the bottom of the cave eating them for a while. He tried to space them out so he’d live long enough until he could find a way out, but he ate them all in 30 seconds.

THP: Ahh. That’s not very long.

AS: No kidding! I was standing at the top of the cave — I went over as soon as I heard him yelling — and I looked down, like, “Glont! Don’t eat those berries yet, I’m going to go get help,” so I walked away and then snuck back to see if he’d already eaten them, and he had. Oh, Glont. But then I really did go to get help, but then I saw some berries, so I sat down to eat them, and forgot about Glont until right now. Wait, whaaat? Where am I?!

THP: Girl, are you the missing link?

AS: What is a link!!!