That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or go home and turn on the television to discover that Nancy Meyers’ 1998 remake of The Parent Trap is on ABC Family because Nancy Meyers’ 1998 remake of The Parent Trap is always on ABC Family, sit down, put your computer on your lap, realize that it’s impossible to multitask when you’re so excited about watching Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson (RIP/SPOILER ALERT) get back together, place the laptop on your coffee table, miss the edge, watch the computer fall to the ground, hear it make a weird noise, and pace around your apartment for the next couple hours because you can’t decide what you’re more upset about: breaking your computer or being so upset about breaking your computer that you can’t even finish Nancy Meyers’ 1998 remake of The Parent Trap.

Instead of Contagion:
After realizing that Outbreak, the obvious choice, isn’t on Netflix Instant, try to find another movie about a global disaster that kills millions of people. Once it’s clear that finding a worthwhile movie meeting those parameters is difficult, settle for a movie that can be considered a global disaster that irritated millions of people. Peel open a box of White Zin and settle down with Howard the Duck.

Instead of Warrior:
Since Warrior is one of those underdog movies about two estranged brothers who accidentally reunite after competing in mixed martial arts tournaments against one other (which is just something that happens), watch Brothers, which is one of those movies about two brothers who accidentally reunite after the brother whom everyone thought died in Afghanistan comes back and tries to return to his old life but ends up breaking cabinets and yelling at Natalie Portman for potentially being in love with Jake Gyllenhaal and for laughing so obnoxiously at The Golden Globes (which is just something that happens).

Instead of Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star:
Watch the trailer for Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, slap yourself in the face for considering a movie about a guy named Bucky Larson who learns that his parents are former adult film stars, and watch the much better parental-realization film called And You Thought Your Parents Were Weird because it’s about some kids who find out that their father (Alan Thicke) is actually a robot. It’s probably Errol Morris’s best documentary.

Previously: KILLER WORMS.

Bobby Finger wrote a spec script for The First Wives Club’s Other Club.