A Woody Allen Mystery

I love a mystery on a warm summer day.

There are big mysteries, and then there are small mysteries. Each presents the thrill of a mystery, and you have to admit: the thrill of a mystery is very intriguing. I would like to present you with a big one.

Woody Allen, an unsavory character and film director, has directed a new film about a café that allegedly isn’t his worst. The café movie premiered in New York City earlier this week, and, as you may have heard, the earth opened beneath the crowd gathered to celebrate its release. Very sad. As the fissure widened, consuming Kristen Stewart, Jesse Eisenberg, and several others, the ground said, in a big voice: “This is for being involved in a Woody Allen movie in 2016.” The ground was opening and closing as if it were a mouth that was chomping on all those guys. Like I said, very sad. But that’s not the mystery. This is the mystery:

Page Six reports that private EMTs were on hand at the premiere. Why? A good question, and, thankfully, a question Page Six got to the bottom of.

— Or did it?

Page Six quotes one attendee as saying, about the reason EMTs were on hand at the premiere:

“It might be because this crowd is really old.”

An incredible guess that I love, however, Page Six also quotes an event rep who had this to say about the reason EMTs were on hand at the premiere:

“Amazon’s head of security requires that [EMTs] be on-site for all events [with] over 200 people. The crowd definitely wasn’t ‘older.’”

Mmhm. Yeah right. But interesting.

So, which is it then? Were EMTs on hand because the crowd at the café movie was old and maybe they were gonna die or collapse, or were they on hand because even though the crowd at the café movie definitely wasn’t older, for sure, they were probably young or just normal, it’s just a thing that’s something about Amazon 200?

It’s a Hollywood mystery and, indeed, Hollywood mysteries are some of the most intriguing to explore.

Of course we’ll never know the answer for sure, but please touch your screen to vote for the theory you believe to be closest to the truth:

• Old
• Amazon

Haha. OK. Thank you.