Ask a Handy Femme About Unplungeable Toilets

by L M

The toilet is unplungeable. What do I do?*

Oh wow, okay, I’ve had this happen. If it’s unplungeable because it’s obstructed, you can stick a snake down there — just a plain one from the hardware store, no fancy anything required — wiggle it around, and see if that helps…loosen things. (There’s no way to be delicate about this sort of thing, is there?) If it doesn’t, get yourself a really, really, really long rubber glove, because you’re going to have to go in there and do things by hand. Just feel around and pull out whatever horror is blocking the mouth. (Real Housewives Free Association Break: does anyone remember when one of the RHW of… Orange County? New York? Maybe? had to call a plumber because Oh. My. God. Thetoiletisflooding. And she totally coincidentally had another Housewife over just when the plumber was scheduled to come by, and they were all in the tiny tiny guest bathroom, and I got uncomfortable pre-porn vibes, but luckily the guy just reached his hand in [to the very clean toilet] and pulled a toy car out of the drain. [What.] And then he left, after the mandatory awkward flirting. That franchise is so weird, you guys.) For situations that aren’t too dire, time can also help — sometimes things just need to, er, disintegrate a bit. Ew, I know, but then you can plunge and not have to do the whole hand-in-bowl thing.

If the bowl is full of water and needs to drain a bit before you plunge, take the lid off the tank and manually lift the chain that’s holding down the plug until the water level drops a little. Then plunge.

Yikes.

*The actual turnaround on this question was like 10 minutes, because, as we all know, an unplunageable toilet can’t wait.

So there’re no windows in my communal space in my apartment and I was thinking about doing some MIRRORS in the hallways to bounce around what little natural light comes out of our bedrooms. How should I do this? I was just going to get long mirrors from Ikea and put them about 5.5 feet up off the floor, lengthwise. Should I use hangers, attached to beams? Extra strength sticky stuff? Seems like this could get dangerous if I do a bad job hanging (so much broken glass).

Aha, I know exactly the MIRRORS you mean. Fun fact: Ikea also used to make mirror tiles that stick directly on the walls! Maybe they still do? But they were wavy and weird and not my cup of tea. Anyway, regarding your question, I would go one of two routes, assuming your mirror has a frame. Either way, you’ll need a basic hanging kit, available at any drug or hardware store.

1. Using the smallest nails or screws in the kit, install claw tooth brackets, teeth-down, on the back of each end of one long side of the mirror frame, two inches from the corner. Measure the distance between them, going from mid-bracket to mid-bracket. This is X. Like in algebra. (Shh it’s okay, it’ll be over soon.) Then drive a longish nail — two inches should do it — into the wall wherever you want the top of the mirror to go. Use a pencil to mark X inches from the nail, and then use a level — there is, I shit you not, an app for that, if you don’t happen to have a level on hand — to make sure the mark is level with your nail. Re-measure and make any necessary adjustments so that the mark is X inches from the first nail, then put in your second nail at that mark. (These mirrors are pretty light, so you shouldn’t need to use anchors. More on those at some point in the future.) You’re done! Hang it.

2. If you’re kinda OCD, as I am, and just know that no matter what you do the mirror won’t look level once you step away from it, proceed as follows: Using the materials in your hanging kit, drive a small screw (or, if they’re all you have, nail) through the middle of each short end of the back of the frame. The wire included in your kit may be a fine gauge — you may want to get a thicker one from the hardware store, depending on the length of your mirror. Tie a double knot around each nail, keeping the tension at something like that of a slightly flat guitar string. (I.e. not too taut, but not loose. Just a little give.) Put a nail wherever you want the center of your mirror to be, and drive it in almost flush with the wall. Hang your mirror, making sure it’s as level as possible, and then affix each of the corners to the wall with a strip of double-sided mounting tape, which you can get at the hardware store, bigger drugstores, or office supply places. Bam! Fairly solid mounting.

Okay, so you know those little springy things that are supposed to keep doors from banging into walls? My bedroom door doesn’t have one, and I may have slammed it, and the doorknob may have made a hole in the wall. Help! I don’t want to lose my deposit.

Never fear, Handy Femme is here! Go to your hardware store with the following list:

• Self-adhesive drywall patches
• Lightweight drywall compound
• Putty knife
• Fine-grain sandpaper

Clean the wall around the hole and dry it thoroughly. Peel the back off one of the drywall patches and press it firmly over the hole. Use the putty knife to spread your drywall compound over the mesh of the patch, smoothing it as you go. Don’t worry if you can see the outline of the mesh a little, because you’ll put on two more coats of compound. Once it’s dry, apply the next coat, let dry, and then apply the third coat. Again, let it dry, and then, and only then, sand it lightly to blend it into the surrounding wall. Last step: paint! Wait, that was the penultimate step. Ultimate step: get back your deposit!

Previously: Flower Ghosts and Felt Sleeves.

Lucia Martinez reads too many old poems and tries to be a lady. Do you have a question for her?