PDAs and the Lure of the Work Crush

by Lindsay Miller

Queer chick, this is a request for perspective, not advice: What is your stance on public lesbian makeouts? (Fun, tacky, dangerous, the exclusive domain of undergrads trolling for dick at a frat party?) As a straight girl who is trashy enough to appreciate the finer points of making out on the dance floor or during a shitty opening act at a concert, I imagine I would be too indignant to really go at it with a lady because of the whole troglodytic onlooker factor, but that’s idle speculation. Your opinion?

I know everyone hates public displays of affection, but I am actually tacky enough to think they’re kind of sweet. I like it when a couple is excited enough about each other to kiss in public. I especially like it if the couple is queer or otherwise unorthodox, because it’s like “We’re super into each other, so fuck you if you don’t like it!” How is that not awesome?

Leaving aside the issue of straight girls making out because their boyfriends think it will be hot (for the record: obnoxious, but who among us has never been obnoxious in our pursuit of sexy times?), I am all in favor of ladies macking on ladies whenever and wherever the spirit moves them. I definitely kiss my partner in public more often than some people (i.e. my mom) would prefer. And while we do get the occasional “wooo lesbians!” drive-by cat-call, it doesn’t happen that often, largely because we are not the couple most dudes picture when they think about girl-on-girl action. I’m fat, my partner is butch, we don’t look like the cover of a Girls Gone Wild DVD. In some ways that makes it more dangerous for us to express affection in public, because we are less socially acceptable than two blond sorority girls bumping tongue piercings. Still, I prefer knowing that if someone is staring at us, it’s not because they’re turned on.

For more conventionally attractive ladies who want to put their tongues in other conventionally attractive ladies’ faces, the trade-off goes the other way. They are unlikely to draw aggressive or threatening behavior from dudes nearby, but knowing that those frat guys are filing your image away as pro bono wank material is also unsavory. And no matter how pretty or unpretty you are, Kissing While Homo is always an invitation for some random jerk to what-about-the-children you. Basically, if you are a girl, and you kiss another girl where people can see you, someone is going to be a dick about it, one way or another. But it’s totally worth it, because come on, you’re kissing a girl!

I’m 24 and have never, ever been out on a date with anyone. I’ve always identified as a homosexual male but have yet to do anything about it. Part of it is because of my own social anxiety disorder (Aspergers’) but it mostly stems from the fact that I’m not all the way ‘together’ yet in that I’m still sorting out my feelings and the things I want in life, for my career and emotionally, both in a partner and my own emotions. I’ve grown up around a lot of relationships both good and bad and all it’s taught me is that I don’t want to just jump into a relationship before I’m ready because that only leads to hard feelings and bad break-ups, not to mention the fact that I don’t want to be someone’s regrettable relationship or one they consider their ‘crazy ex.’

It’s possible that I’m over-thinking and over-complicating it (something I do to myself sometimes in an effort to just get everything right), but I just don’t want to waste someone’s time and hurt someone because I’m still figuring myself out.

I’m okay with myself and this stance mostly, except for the fact that I feel … left behind. I’m showing all the signs of a late bloomer and really just want to skip all the games, have as few relationships as possible, and just settle down with one nice guy. Still, all my friends and family (some of whom are younger than me), are much further ahead, and while I know I shouldn’t judge my progress/development on theirs, I can’t help but feel like a child in comparison because I’m so inexperienced. But mostly? I feel ashamed because I’m a complete blank slate and several of them have been dating for eight or so years and I’m worried that I’m much too inexperienced for someone who’s typically my age (hell, I’m still a virgin, but only because I want the person I give that to to be someone who appreciates it and makes me feel special), while at the same time see all the drama they either cause or go through and keep changing my mind.

All I want is a nice stable (dominant) guy and a nice stable life, but I’m worried I’ll never get that if I’m too old, right? I’m not fussy about appearance, really (though if I were to be honest, I do like bearish guys who are taller than me. heh), and am really just looking for a lasting connection that will be there forever (which I’m guessing is an after effect of the divorces I’ve experienced, but that’s a long story unrelated to this … is this even a question?). But I know if I don’t take some chances, I’ll never get there.

I guess what I’m asking is: Is there realistic hope for me to find someone? I know I’m neurotic and a bit of a hot mess right now, but so desire companionship. I think I have the right idea about not starting or being part of a messy relationship, but how will I ever find one if I don’t put myself out there? Is it bad to be this inexperienced at 24?

No, it’s not bad to be inexperienced. There are lots and lots of people who haven’t had sex or dated at your age, and my guess is almost all of them feel embarrassed by their lack of experience, as though they’re the only ones so far behind the curve. I promise you, that’s not the case. You’re off to a bit of a late start, but it is no big deal and any guy worthy of your time and attention is not going to be put off by it, whether you meet him now or next year or in 10 years. You sound like a dude who is very self-aware, and I trust you to know when it’s right for you to jump into the dating pool — please don’t feel like you need to be ashamed of making decisions based on what you want, not what other people are doing. That is an awesome quality and one that more people should cultivate in themselves.

That said, there are some things I think you need to be aware of before you start dating, whenever that might be. You seem to believe that by waiting until you’ve figured out exactly what you want, you can spare yourself and others the pain of drama, disappointment, and breakups. I’m sorry to say I don’t think that’s the case. Once you start dating, you may discover that what you thought you wanted from a boyfriend isn’t actually making you happy. Hell, it took me five or six years of dating just to figure out that I liked girls better than boys. Not that your discoveries will be quite that dramatic, but it may take you a few tries to determine what you actually need to be satisfied in a relationship.

While you’re exploring your options, the chances are extremely good that you’ll end up breaking someone’s heart, or having your own heart broken, or both. You’ve observed other people’s mistakes and resolved never to repeat them, because you don’t want to end a relationship for stupid or selfish reasons, and that’s great — but some relationships end for reasons that aren’t stupid or selfish. Even if you’re perfect for each other on paper and no one sleeps with the pool boy, sometimes the chemistry just isn’t right, or your feelings change over time, or he has to move to Alaska for his job, or whatever. There are a handful of people out there who got it right on the first try, married the first person they ever kissed, and lived a long happy life with no regrets, but they are few and far between. And unfortunately, there is no way of guaranteeing you’ll be one of them. Those people didn’t do something special — they just got really freaking lucky. You can’t count on that kind of luck.

So you’re going to have to resign yourself to making some mistakes and, yes, going through some pain. I know it sounds trite, but those things are actually good for you. They build character. They turn you into a stronger and more compassionate person (even though obviously you’re already awesome). They teach you about yourself — what kind of partner you are, what kind of compromises you can and can’t make. And all of that is important to go through so that, when you meet your real-deal forever love dominant bear of a soulmate, you know what you need to do to make that relationship work.

I don’t think you should compromise what you want, or go out and sleep with some dude you don’t care about just to get rid of your pesky virginity. I think that when you start dating (which doesn’t have to be this week), you should take it as slowly as you need to, and hold out for someone you feel a real connection with. But I also think you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself if it doesn’t work out with the first guy you date — or the second or the sixth. It takes practice to get this stuff right.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for years, since starting college. He’s a fantastic partner, and we’re growing more open and adventurous with time but as my libido starts revving up in anticipation of my sexual prime, his is slowing down.

I’ve been comfortable with my bi-curiosity for the past few years, and he and I both get off to girl-on-girl porn and dirty talk about threesomes or me with other girls.

I’d never been interested in any real-life girl in particular, but we recently moved to a small town in a small Western state. Lots of cowboys, lots of antelope. Coincidentally, there’s a totally hot girl here known among mutual friends as a sexual dynamo in a long-distance relationship with an older man. She’s a babe and she’s friendly, but her confidence is totally intimidating. Plus, she has every reason to think I’m straight and exclusive with my guy. What’s my next move? How do I talk to her about a hooking up, or potentially inviting her home?

Also, if that doesn’t happen, how can I approach other girls? Like I said, small town. Plus, are lesbians off limits? Am I terrible for even thinking of it?

No, you’re not terrible! Well, at least I don’t think you’re terrible. Reading between the lines of your letter, it sounds like you and your boyfriend had a conversation (a Big Bicurious Feelings Talk) about your diverging sex drives and agreed that, rather than end the relationship, you should start trawling for some on-the-side lady-action. All of my advice is based on the assumption that that conversation took place — but, you know, you never exactly told me it did. I’m just guessing. If I’m guessing wrong, please disregard the following paragraph and bring your seduction attempts to a screeching halt until you’ve worked shit out with your boyfriend. A Queer Chick does not endorse cheating!

Which, in related news, makes it difficult for me to give you advice on how to hook up with this girl. Because she also has a boyfriend. It’s possible that, given her sexual dynamism and the long-distance-ness of her relationship, she and her man have established the same kind of arrangement as you and yours. But even if that’s the case, it’s going to be really challenging to put the moves on her, because you absolutely cannot be in any way coy. You can’t drop hints and hope she picks up on them, because she’ll be like “Hmm, that chick seems super flirty, but she has a boyfriend so I’m sure she doesn’t mean anything by it.” You also can’t take any coquettish behavior on her part as a clear opening. What you’re gonna have to do if you want this thing to be a reality — and I’m telling you right now, it sounds like an extremely long shot — is just come clean about your intentions. Take her out for drinks, get like a two-margarita buzz on (you’re shooting for verbally uninhibited but not actually slurring, so adjust the quantity based on your personal alcohol tolerance), and lay it on the line. “My boyfriend and I recently decided to have an open relationship, and I think you’re really gorgeous, and I guess I was just hoping that maybe you have the same kind of situation, and are also into girls, specifically me.”

God, there’s a lot of variables here. Doesn’t this all sound kind of tiring? Wouldn’t it be easier to pursue someone who doesn’t have a boyfriend? Even a small town has to have at least a handful of dykes, and probably one or two of them would be interested in some extracurricular activities with a mostly-taken lady, especially if you’re really hot. I mean, go ahead and make your Hail Mary pass with your crush, but if it fails spectacularly, as it is 97.8% guaranteed to do (trust me, I did the math), pick yourself up and start looking elsewhere.

As for how you approach girls: Go up to someone you think is pretty, strike up a conversation (NOT about her cleavage), and if she seems receptive, ask for her number. Disclose that you have a boyfriend before anybody’s pants come off — no fair making her think you have relationship potential when you’re just in it for the pussy. And if it’s really that small a town, everyone is going to know what you’re up to before the week is out, so seriously, think twice about going after someone else’s girlfriend, okay? Especially because I’ve seen movies about cowboy towns, and those dudes have guns.

This is coming from another queer chick (not that it really matters for my question, just wanted to give a shout out). How do I get my mind off of a crush? The problem is that I have a GF of three years, and I’m madly in love with her… but I have a crush on this woman that I work with. (Well, we don’t work together directly, but in different offices of the same building). Up until a few months ago, the crush and I had only passed each other in hallways and on elevators. But we struck up a friendship in the break room one day when she noticed that I was reading a book by one of her favorite authors. It is kind of obscure and neither one of us knew anyone else who had read it. We’ve had lunch together a few times since and found out that we have a lot in common besides our jobs, re: books, music, podcasts, etc., etc. In addition, we just get along really easily and really well.

The first few times we talked I didn’t notice anything, but lately I can feel my heart beating faster and my brain actually liquefying as she walks toward me. (Aside: Crush is likely straight, at least has a BF at the moment, but they’re long distance. Also, they met and have only ever been long distance but I’ve tried not to analyze the significance of that, if any. I keep thinking I’m getting the “she’s maybe into me” signals though. For instance, after she came back from vacation it had been a few days since we had run into each other and the first time we did she said “I’ve been looking for you!”… after which we agreed to meet up for lunch. Also, she knows I’m a gay lady in a long-term relationship.)

As I think you’ve said before, and I agree, “most people really don’t have a lot of choice about who they’re into.” Believe me when I tell you that I don’t want to have a crush on her. I would like nothing more than to find her unattractive and boring … but can’t stop wondering what it would be like to kiss her. It’s not like my GF and I are having problems either — I also find HER incredibly attractive and funny and she makes my heart pound … but so does my crush. I don’t know if it would be easier to just stop having lunch and only have to deal with seeing her when we run into each other, or if avoidance will only make me think about her more? A lot of my close friends have moved away recently and it would be nice to have a lady friend if I could only stop thinking about her as a LADYFRIEND.

Well, for what it’s worth, it doesn’t really sound like she’s into you that way. Saying she’s been looking for you and wants to have lunch is pretty platonic, even if she knows you’re a homo. My straight friends invite me to have lunch all the time. People of all orientations have been known to give in to the siren song of lunch, especially if it’s sandwiches. Man, a sandwich would be really good right now. Hang on a minute.

Okay, I’m back. It sounds like she just thinks of you as her cool friend who likes the same books and music she does, and she’s psyched to have bonded with someone who works nearby. I see no indication that she’s secretly lusting after your bod (though I’m sure your bod is awesome). In some cases, just facing the fact that your crush does not actually want to get naked with you has been known to quash the attraction; maybe if you let go of the wishful thinking, that will turn out to be true in your case? But also, sadly, probably not. So then what do you do?

Happily, it seems like you’re not going off the rails over this. You understand that people in relationships get crushes, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything worth worrying about. You love your lady, you’re happy with her, and you just want your boner for Elevator Gal to mellow out so you can enjoy her as a friend. But there’s not really an off-switch for boners. You may just have to wait it out and hope that, as your friendship deepens, your attraction will wane. If you’re concerned that you’ll do something that would endanger your relationship with your girlfriend, then you should stop hanging out with Elevator Gal, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. In the absence of a serious temptation to cheat — which you’re not going to do with her, because she’s not into ladies — I see no reason why you should give up what has the potential to be an awesome friendship. And when you’re committed to not acting on it, having a crush can even be kind of fun. Enjoy the butterflies you get when you see her, grab some lunch and talk about books, then go home and fuck your girlfriend’s brains out.

My best friend and I (a gay man and a lesbian chick, respectively), have been friends since high school. Even now, in our mid-twenties, we remain extremely close — regular lunch dates, occasional sleepovers, plenty of phone calls, and lots of loving but give-it-to-me-straight advice. There are very few people in my life I trust quite as much as my best friend, and he’s told me the same. He and I have had several conversations regarding our sexual identities before; I have dated and slept with men in the past, but consider myself a lesbian as those are the relationships and people that I actively wish to engage in … but I recognize the possibility that I may meet a man who has every quality I want in a person, even if he doesn’t have the girl parts I’m looking for. Best Friend is the same way, in that he prefers men, but knows there could be a woman out there he could fall for.

Recently though, Best Friend and I have been much closer than usual. The aforementioned conversations about heterosexual relationship possibilities have increased in frequency and intensity, as have compliments on appearance, talking about the babies we could make, and general physical closeness. And it’s confusing, because I recognize that we are both doing it, and I recognize that it probably needs to Stop. We’re both really close friends, and we both love each other; but now it’s slipping into a gray area … a gray area made way more confusing by the fact that, hey, we’re both Gay! And I guess I don’t really have a question; I’m not asking if he’s into me, or asking if we’d work out in the long run, or anything like that. I value his friendship more than anything, and I’m not willing to lose it, so pursuing this whatever it is thing is out of the question. I suppose I’m looking for sympathy? I can’t be the only lesbian whose heart/vagina has been kinda sorta into her gay best friend before, right?

Haha, you said “give it to me straight.” Which is totally what you want your cute gay friend to do! No, but really, this makes a lot of sense to me, in the sense that he’s your friend and you love him and you’re kind of wondering exactly how much you love him, and with what body parts. And it’s not unheard-of for queer dudes and ladies to hit it off and have heterosexual-but-still-hella-queer bouncy times. (Hi, John Barrowman! Call me!) However, I think it’s super reasonable and mature of you to decide that your friendship is too important to risk in pursuing a romance.

For thoughts on dealing with / not acting on your inconvenient boner, please see the advice to the letter above yours. For sympathy from other dykes who have been in similar situations, please see the comments — I trust the amazing Hairpintariat will come through for you!

Previously: Advice for the “Straight-Looking.”

Lindsay Miller knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?

Photo by Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock