Beauty Q&A: SMDH

I’m a cusp-of-30 sister and I am a little afraid of what my closet lacks. In a moment of insanity/inspiration, I did a wardrobe purge to the thesis “No 30-year-old should wear this.” That is a lot of Forever 21 and H&M sent to my younger sister and the Goodwill.

So now what? My salary is next to nothing, but I have a wonderfully bizarre job that requires me to look as well-heeled and polished as Kate Middleton most days, and be ready to meet with heads of state and media at a moment’s notice. My work days often drag on into high-profile evening events, and I need the clothes that can do so as well. I’m ready to look the part, even if I can’t pay for it. The purge left me with great basics — my small but beloved DVF collection, a cashmere cardigan or two, some beautiful Hepburn-style high waisted trousers. But I need a game plan. Talk to me about the essential wardrobe to build in my 30s, a timeline, and a how to do so on a public servant salary.

Many thoughts! First, it sounds like you have an awesome job that doesn’t pay you enough to do it properly. Can you make that argument to anyone? Can you say “Dearest Boss, I love this job. Part of doing it well is appearing more sophisticated than a college student. I don’t know if you’ve entered a department store in the last 10 years, but it takes at least $100 to get anywhere near a dress appropriate for this work environment. I cannot, with my salary, afford both that and my rent. And I cannot go into credit card debt in order to keep this position. What can we do about this?” Try that first. Seriously! Even if they laugh at you, you will not get fired for having this meeting, and part of being a woman in your 30s is learning how to ask for raises. You won’t often get a good one without piping up. If you’re good at your job, and lucky, your boss may say “Hm, you’re right. How’s an extra $100 a month.” Which is almost enough for that dress!

Second, it sounds like you have great taste, so don’t worry about that. What you need to do is become highly diligent about checking online sales. Think of yourself as an extreme couponer, but for clothes. Do NOT sign up for store credit cards, though. No, you’re only to spend money you actually have. You’re going to get up 15 minutes early each morning or go to work 15 minutes early and spend that time on sites that regularly feature high-end, Kate Middleton-calibre pieces on clearance. Think Bluefly, The Outnet, or one of the shops featured in the Bargain Bin. Try to avoid those buyer club sites where you have to race everyone and make rash decisions — you’re more thoughtful and careful than that. If you become religious about it, you will score some truly amazing deals, but you have to make it a priority. Have patience and be vigilant, and the right clothes will stack up. Once you have your basics (some pencil skirts, three pairs of well tailored slacks, a dozen sharp dresses, a handful of blazers) you can fill in with trendy little splurge pieces from wherever. H&M even.

I am bad at hair. I’m a tomboy with definite girly leanings, I would love to be able to do my hair more and be generally more put together, but I am bad at it. I wear my hair in a bun or a braid everyday. I have fairly long, curly hair, it’s soft and very fine, and there is a ton of it. I like leaving it down sometimes, wild and curly, but it’s really not all that put together, more cute/feral, and usually by the end of the day it has started to dread itself, leaving me to pick knots out for 30 minutes after. So yeah, it’s usually in a bun.

When I do want to straighten or mostly straighten my hair it takes days of preplanning because I need to wash it, put it in a bun, let it dry (which can take days) and then straighten from that slightly smoothed state. The ironing still takes longer than it should because it’s going in all directions. I realize that the cure for my ills is blowing it out first, but I am basically completely inept when it comes to this. I tried to watch YouTube video how-tos, but they just seem to be for girls with vaguely wavy hair who can just shake it all over while drying and it comes out looking like Sofia Vergara. Despite trying to figure out which way the brush is supposed to go mine always ends up crazy frizzy and knotted, worse than if I hadn’t done anything, and definitely not smooth. I think more than anything, I just don’t know where to start and finish, and how to organize it while I go.

First off, white chicks do not get to complain about how difficult it is to iron their hair. Shhh…

Girl, you need a haircut! How have you not chopped your entire head off by now? It sounds like you have way too much hair, especially for someone who has no idea what to do with it. I’ll try to give you a few tips for managing it, but not until you cut some of that shit off. For someone with butterfingers (seriously, you’re getting the brush knotted in your hair? And DREADS!?) it should be kept like an inch past shoulder length at the longest. Feel free to bob it if you’re more daring, but at least let go of some of the length. You will still look like a pretty and feminine lady, and it will still read “long” but not unruly. And get some layers. You need layers. Also tell them you want it thinned. They’ll use this cool pair of scissors to take some of the weight out and suddenly you will have hair that dries in less than “days.” God, I’m SMDH thinking how you’ve made it this far without completely losing your mind.

Once you leave the salon looking more like this, here’s what you’re gonna do to replicate it: With clean wet hair that you’ve sprayed all over with this non-sticky styling B&B Prep spray, you’re going to blow dry it in layers, working around your head similarly to the way I did when using the curling wand. Pile most of your hair up on top of your head, clip it in place, and using a paddle brush (no one let this woman near a round brush!) brush the lowest layer from underneath while you point the blow dryer down on the face of the brush from the top. When the bottom layer is dry, clip it all together at the back of your neck and take down another layer all the way around your head. Repeat. Then iron or don’t, or whatever you want.

When you’re all finished, I’m sorry, but you don’t get to use hairspray. The dreadlocks thing, remember? However you are making that happen, hairspray will only make it worse. No, you take a dime sized amount of this lotion that kind of frizz-proofs you, rub it in your hands and run your fingers through your hair. Practice this for a year or so and then return to those YouTube videos; I promise you’ll have an easier time at it. Don’t forget to get trims.

I just started a new job (hooray!) and the new office is pretty casual (t-shirts, jeans, etc.), but I still want to look cute. The problem is that I have always been a busty lady, and additionally, I’ve gained a fair amount of weight (like 25 lbs) in the last year because of a combination of quitting smoking, various birth control pills (nightmare!), and hating-my-job-induced depression (I can NOT stress enough how happy I am to have a new job). Basically I want to look cute and put together, but not pregnant, on a budget while I am in the process of slimming back down. Help!

CONGRATULATIONS, HOW WONDERFUL! YOU QUIT YOUR TERRIBLE JOB AND SMOKING!!! Amazing. You are a superhero.

I know this is so hard because I’m dieting right now and it sucks. I gained weight with a move, job, and birth control change too. It bums me out. No, my dude won’t dump me if I’m a little heavier than before — he has barely noticed — and no one in my life thinks I look weird, but I just feel weird. Off. Not myself. And I wish there were clothing options that would make me feel better, but even trying clothes on is a bummer right now. What should we do?

OK, I’m gonna get some shit for this, so let me first say:

I like you.
You are beautiful, especially your new glowy nonsmoker skin.
I want you to be happy!
I remember when you had no problem shopping for clothes.

So, here’s where I’m putting my foot down: We are not shopping for clothes right now. No, I will not go get you the next size up. No, we can’t do a quick spree at TJ Maxx just to make you cute “in the meantime.” We are going to get you feeling like yourself again and that is where the money and effort are going to be spent.

First, get a mani/pedi, your eyebrows done, a massage, or whatever other pampering thing you’re into that makes you feel pretty. Revel in it. Then, join a gym or take up a dance class. I personally don’t think exercise helps with weight loss all that much (compared to better food choices and portion control), but it helps make an attitude adjustment. You are a woman who eats well and goes to the gym in order to be fit, not a woman who fills her closet with clothes for a body she’s no longer happy with that was created by stress and and circumstances that were out of her control but are no longer. And I still think you look cute in the meantime, not pregnant.

Luckily, your work environment doesn’t require you to dress like Kate Middleton, so take the free pass you’re getting, squeeze a few more months out of whatever you’ve been wearing recently, and save that dough for the new year when everything you try on will make you sigh with relief and not disappointment or frustration. This won’t take long. Maybe we should start a support group?

I got my lip waxed for the first time the other day, and the next morning I had a bunch of little zits around the edge of my lip. Of course, I had to squeeze them, because I have a compulsion like that, and now it looks like I have a horrible rash. My question is… what are my options here? Should I bleach? Use some sort of depilatory (I have never use a depilatory)? The shadow I was starting to see on my upper lip is unequivocally NOT an option.

Shave! Seriously, I do it. It’s the only thing that doesn’t make my upper lip break out. Shave! Not with cream, just water in the shower. Swipe, swipe, swipe! That’s it. Use a new, clean, simple razor like this each time.

I have a beauty etiquette question for you: I’ve finally found a fantastic hairdresser. She seems to intuit what I want by osmosis, and then improve upon my original idea. My hair looks the best it has in years. She has mentioned on a couple occasions that she does “complimentary bang trims” between visits. I suspect this is her polite way of saying “I know that you have been trimming your bangs at 10:30 p.m. after polishing off a bottle of Cab.” Like I said, she seems to have telepathic powers. So, my question is this: How complimentary are bang trims? I feel too guilty to ever take her up on the offer without compensating her somehow. Should I tip her? Make sure to purchase some product? What is the protocol? Any insight would be appreciated, because it’s been a while since my last cut, and the scissors are calling my name.

Let’s think for a second about what’s in it for your hairdresser to offer this complimentary service:

– By seeing her more than once every three months you build a bond, loyalty, and a sort of relationship. Why would you go anywhere else?
 — She gets to pocket a $10 tip ($15 if you are rich) in five minute while she waits for someone else’s color to process.
 — She avoids the time suck and stress of fixing your horrible bang trim job every time you come in. (Even if you think it looks great, it’s still all wonky on that one side and you COMPLETELY missed some over here, why are you combing them back in this part, ugh!? Hold still.)

Win, win, win for her. Take her up on it! And no, you don’t need to purchase any product, unless she says you absolutely must in order to keep this “Best Hair Ever.” Listen to her, she sounds like a dreamboat. (Also, tell us her name and where she is!)

Previously: Crackne, Brow Dye, and Growing Out Bangs.

Do you have a question for Jane?