That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

There are only two movies being released widely today. One is a big budget heist movie with a cast from 1996 by the director of The Family Man and Rush Hour 3. The other is the continuation of a dumb joke that began with the first Harold and Kumar movie. No, you really shouldn’t watch Tower Heist or A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas 3Dthis weekend, but you can always find something similar to watch instantly on Netflix.

Instead of Tower Heist:
For the past few weeks of my daily commute, I’ve been watched. Walking down the subway platform elicits the kind of paranoia typically reserved for the characters in psychological thrillers, but instead of an unstable neighbor or stalker obsessed with my skin, I’m being watched by the head shots of Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy. For some reason, the words STILLER and MURPHY are what Universal Pictures has chosen to market Tower Heist with, but the words NINETEEN, NINETY and SIX are all I see when passing by the advertisements. Sorry, but I prefer my Stiller with a gap in his teeth and my Murphy farting at a dinner table. Fifteen years ago, I’d have been all over Tower Heist; in 2011, however, I’m falling on the couch and watching Criminal on Netflix. A remake of the Argentinian film Nine Queens, Criminal is a short, breezy, and overlooked heist movie starring John C. Reilly, Diego Luna, and Maggie Gyllenhaal. In under 90 minutes, Criminal presents us with more involving characters and situations than Brett Ratner has done with 50x the budget. It doesn’t star Gabourey Sidibe, though, so, you know. That sucks.

Instead of A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas 3D:
I wasn’t a fan of the first Harold and Kumar film, and the knowledge of its two sequels’ existence brings me only slightly less discomfort than an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s a one-joke franchise, and an unfunny one at that, so just watch another “stoner comedy” that’s far more hilarious and doesn’t require 3D glasses. You may be getting older, but all its characters have stayed the same age. I understand that you’re probably watching Dazed and Confused right now anyway, but see that bar at the bottom of your screen? Click the marker and drag it back to the beginning. “Sweet Emotion” is starting all over again and you’re so happy to be watching Dazed in Confused that you forgot Harold and Kumar ever existed.

As Parker Posey said to the “freshman bitches” in my favorite moment of the film, “You love it. Smile. You love us.”

Previously: The Craft! The Craft. The Craft.

Bobby Finger just found out Girl, Interrupted was on Netflix Instant. He hates Girl, Interrupted but is watching it anyway. Bye.