Honest Unsubscribe Options

I’m receiving too many emails.

I never signed up for this mailing list. You tricked me into it when I bought Kevin a wine opener for our anniversary. He got me nothing.

I’d like to be productive, but instead I will unsubscribe from 17 mailing lists.

I’m no longer interested in hearing about Equinox promotions. If I’m being honest, I never was.

Unsubscribing from a mailing list gives me a similar but duller sense of satisfaction to rejecting a man, which is something I really need right now.

Your emails are inappropriate. Almost as inappropriate as Kevin putting his new girlfriend in his Facebook profile picture immediately.

I’m on Adderall.

I want to receive the “we’re sorry to see you go” email. Honestly, I want someone to be sorry to see me go, because Kevin definitely was not.

I’m not interested in your “marketing emails sent out in the month of June by our intern Jane.” I guess I’ll unsubscribe one month and business function and employee at a time.

I’m no longer interested in reading the Skimm. The word is misspelled, I’m capable of reading full articles, and why is “female-centric” news focused so heavily on Kendall Jenner? Also why are there pictures of martini glasses on everything? Also, why do you let the WNBA advertise in your mailing letter? Literally NO ONE wants to see that.

Your emails are spam and should be reported. Other things that should be reported are how well I’m doing, and this fact should be reported to Kevin, often.

If my inbox is full of your mailing list’s spam, I might miss an important email from Netflix asking if I’d like to develop a dramedy about struggling stand up comics scraping by as SAT tutors in the Big Apple.

If my inbox is full of your mailing list’s spam, I might miss an important email from Kevin asking to get back together.

If my inbox is full of your mailing list’s spam, I might miss an important email from Lena Dunham telling me she loves my work.

I’m trying to get to inbox zero lol jk.