Optional Activities at Post-Colonial Williamsburg in the Year 2076

Welcome to Post-Colonial Williamsburg. After our group breakfast and orientation each morning, you have the rest of the day to entertain yourselves on our grounds. All of the following historical attractions begin on the hour, and can be accessed by high-speed monorail through the B gates. Your entries are all-inclusive, and tips are not accepted by the few remaining human operators. We’ll see you again for the unbearable period-costume banquet at seven pm. Please enjoy your stay.

Splitting the Check:

Watch as two of the eight members of your party throw down the exact amount of their food and drink and then dash out to split a cab to the Upper East Side. Tremble as it becomes clear that the restaurant does not take AmEx, leaving only three members of your party with the ability to pay at all. Of those three members, it’s member number three’s birthday. Member number two takes this opportunity to announce they have a Groupon! The busboys are cleaning under your feet. Crave death, but death will not come.

Your Friend’s Band is Playing at 1:15am:

In a near fugue state you will ask yourself: why are your friends still in bands? You’re thirty now. You want to go home. You want to watch your saved DVR recordings from last Sunday night and eat Chex Mix. Is Julia Louis-Dreyfus great in Veep? You’ll never know! You’re standing in something sticky next to a very large speaker, and you’re not super confident about your dress.

Let’s All Check Our Phones:

The table is set for you at an authentic early 21st century eatery. Each of you wants to check your phone, despite the fact that you are at dinner with the only three people who could possibly want to talk to you. No one wants to be the first to ask! If you were friends with a doctor, they would totally take the lead. Finally, your i-banker friend sighs heavily and says they have to check in with work. Floods of elation fill the room as everyone else grabs for their purse. You are bathed in the soothing backlit glow of your devices. It will not be necessary to pretend you have to go change your tampon.

They Don’t Take Reservations:

This place only serves eighteen different kinds of Bloody Marys for brunch, including one where you are handed a piece of buffalo jerky as a swizzle stick. They make their own lamb sausage. There are six tables, they only accept cash, and the projected wait is forty-five minutes. Your bitchier, enviable friend refuses to wait. She lives two blocks away. “Call me,” she says. “Just fucking call me when they can seat us.” Feel the envy pour through your veins like a Bloody Mary with yogurt-harissa sauce.

You’ve Locked Yourself Out of Your Apartment:

Explore the chills and thrills of returning to your fifth-floor walk-up, buzzed, at 2am on a Saturday to discover that your key has snapped off in the lock. Call everyone you know, no one picks up! Find an all-night locksmith through Yahoo! Reviews. The reviews are not good. He will not enter your building for under two hundred and fifty dollars, and will not drill out the lock for less than two hundred more. A new lock, which he purchased at Home Depot for fifty bucks will cost you a further three hundred. Don’t worry, he’ll drive you to a bodega ATM, then rant at you when it will only give you your daily limit. The next day, watch as your landlord refuses to reimburse you more than fifty dollars for the defective lock.

We regret to inform you that the exceedingly popular Let’s Talk About Buying Some Coke Until Someone Reminds Us About the Flesh-Eating Bacteria Contaminant Risk attraction is temporarily closed for repairs. Any other rumors you may have heard about it are false. Please consider returning for Christmas, which will feature our poignant Everyone You Know is Flying Home, Do Not Try to Make a Turkey showpiece.