Bonner and Etienne Strike Back

Last Thursday, The Hairpin published an interview with Ozzie, a lion-tailed macaque. We were contacted almost immediately by Bonner and Etienne, the black-and-white ruffed lemurs referenced therein.

Bonner: I’m pissed, frankly.

Us: I’m sorry, before we get started, which of you is male? “Bonner” is a little out there, and I think that “Etienne” is usually, what, “Steve,” in French, right?

Etienne: This is not a fantastic way to start off on the right foot with us. It’s not your fault, but if you knew how many times we’ve moved to a new zoo and had our new neighbors show up and say “oh, thank God, we thought you were an interracial couple, and now we see that you’re BOTH black-and-white.”

Bonner: I usually refer them to Let That Be Your Last Battlefield. Such ignorance.

Us: Noted. Now, to bring this around to Ozzie…

Etienne: To be honest, Ozzie isn’t really our problem. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he can be unbearable.

Bonner: Unbearable!

Etienne: We’re “breeders.” Our kids? Neveah and Madison? “Crotchfruit.”

Bonner: Yeah. Tell that to the researchers. You know what we are? “Critically Endangered.” I’m sorry if we’re not all content having stupid Kentucky Derby parties and wigging out about people spilling wine on our white couches. Who would buy a white couch?

Etienne: Who throws a Kentucky Derby party and wigs out about a white couch, is a better question. Get a bunch of zoo animals liquored up in the middle of the afternoon, reap the whirlwind. Our goddamn kids are going to drop a few Cheerios, mellow out! They’ll be paying his Social Security someday. But, again, it’s not about Ozzie. It’s the original article.

Bonner: “Like slightly crazed old men.” Who do they think they are? I mean, I talked to that reporter. She has an overbite, but that’s not how I’d open a piece about her. Anyway, they can talk about how they’re “phasing out” the macaques, and people read these articles and their hearts bleed for them, but it’s not like we have any more choice in our breeding decisions.

Etienne: Do you think we were paired on eHarmony, or something? No. I mean, we love each other, but we’re like the parents in Fiddler on the Roof. One day we were sharing an enclosure, and that’s it. I don’t know if Bonner is a black-and-white ruffed lemur that I would have ever pursued in the wild. We’re completely different. Again, it works, because we’re raising a family together and you make do, but he’s this total Rand Paul type, and I’m more of a Elizabeth Warren.

Bonner: Heh, SPEAKING of Social Security.

Etienne: Let’s not.