Texts From Sweet Valley High

By The Hairpin July 16, 2012

by Mallory Ortberg

Jess are you there?
yeah I’m here
Where were you?
what do you mean
Did you not get any of my texts?
no
The Sweet Sixteen people were here
for the interview about the fundraiser
they already came?
you weren’t here so I tried to do the best I could without you
Oh I know I was awful — I’m sure they won’t print anything I said
I’m so sorry you couldn’t make it
hey Liz
Yeah?
do you ever catch anything
when you’re fishing
for compliments

oh my god
oh my god they’re not moving, Jess
I think they’re both dead, Jesus Christ God they’re dead, they’re dead
the car flipped and nobody’s moving
oh my god
well
you wouldn’t spike the punch like I asked!!
so I had to spike it myself
WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT
ohhh my godddd i don’t KNOW, something from a jar??
that’s why I asked you to do it
I would never have helped you if I knew you were going to do something like this
then I guess you don’t have what it takes to be Jungle Prom Queen
which, is that the same thing as regular prom queen?
haha what kind of school has two proms
anyhow I thought Bruce looked crazy hot tonight
do you think he has a date for the next prom?
Bruce is dead
yeah he didn’t look that good I guess

Oh, Jess
I hate New York sometimes
I miss Sweet Valley so much
oh my god I know
they don’t even have a Dairi Burger there!!!
what kind of a city
It’s just so empty
Like this morning at the coffee shop
I really felt like the interaction I had with the waitress
when I asked if they had any stevia
lacked authenticity
I sure wish this news internship were over already
but who knows when they’ll be done having news here
haha remember Mom
I knew you’d understand, anyhow
remember Dad
what happened to them
where do they go all the time

Jess
Jess where are you
haha what
the pep rally is in a few minutes and we need you for the pyramid
oh that
something tells me we’re not going to be cheering much tonight
what do you mean
let’s just say
we won’t have to worry about hose jerks at Big Mesa anymore
Jessica what did you do?
let’s just say their plans to trash the field after the big game have
“gone up in smoke”
Jessica
what did you do
let’s just say their “gym”
is “on fire”
with SVH spirit
hey do you want to go to the Dairi Burger?
I’m all hungry
and covered in ash