Interview With a Mosquito
As part of our ongoing series of conversations with animals on policy and population control issues, we recently sat down with Edward, a mosquito from Florida.
Us: We don’t like you very much.
Edward (sighs): I don’t like myself either. I am filled with a constant sense of self-loathing.
Us: Oh, that’s sad, actually. If it makes you feel better, some scientists think the ecosystem would collapse without you?
Edward: Let it.
Us: What?
Edward: What’s the point to it all?
Us: Videos of people singing along to “Call Me Maybe”? Reality shows on Bravo? The novels of Muriel Spark? Jesus, Edward, it’s a big world out there.
Edward: Do you know how long we live?
Us: Not really, no.
Edward: Well, I’m male, so I’m going to live 10–20 days. And I’m 8 days old right now, so this is my mid-life crisis.
Us: That’s…pretty dark.
Edward: Did you know I read The Hairpin?
Us: You know, we’re constantly amazed by how many of the animals we interview actually read The Hairpin. If you guys had purchasing power, we would be rolling in advertising dollars right now.
Edward: Congratulations, how wonderful. No, but seriously, I was in the comment section for Sliced Bread yesterday, and this girl was talking about how her and family like to pretend that baguette ends are really their noses, and then they gnaw on them and make jokes, and I fucking lost it, because no one loves me, and no one ever will, and I’m going to be dead in a week, so who gives a shit anyway? No one will ever pretend my nose is bread, or my bread is a nose, or anything.
Us: Shit, Edward. Do you think you guys could do some kind of PR campaign, or something?
Edward: When you live for 10–20 days, you don’t have a lot of institutional memory. Also, I had really thought that this whole vampire boom would help, because, well, they suck blood too, but THEIR victims actually die, and ours are usually just aggravated and take their Negronis back inside.
Us: Unless you’re carrying a horrible disease, right?
Edward: (silence)
Us: Edward?
Edward: (silence)
Us: Are you dead?
Edward: (silence)
Us: Goodbye, Edward. We’re sorry.