Sliced Bread
by E.A. Weiss
Sourdough: Wheat’s gone.
Rye: I can’t believe it.
Sourdough: Sliced by some heartless machine.
Rye: What are we going to do?
Bagel: It’s probably not so bad.
Rye: Shut up, Bagel.
***
Brian: What happened to that bread?
Aaron: I just made a little machine to cut it for me.
B: What?
A: It saves a few seconds.
B: Oh my god!
A: What?
B: Holy shit, Aaron! Everyone said you were slow —
A: Really?
B: But look at this!
A: It’s not a big —
B: It’s amazing!
A: I guess —
B: I’m sorry, Aaron.
A: Sorry? For what?
B: You know I’m going through some rough stuff.
A: What are you talking about?
B: I have to kill you.
A: Brian —
B: I need the money.
A: Brian —
B: Give me the bread machine.
***
Mayor: This is amazing, Brian!
Brian: I’m so glad you think so, Mr. Mayor.
M: You’ll change everything for this town.
B: Thank you.
M: I just want you to know that.
B: I appreciate it, sir.
M: The people will love you.
B: You’re too kind.
M: They don’t even love me.
B: Oh, that’s not true, Mr. Mayor.
M: I’m sorry, Brian.
B: Sorry? For what?
M: Election season is approaching.
B: What are you talking about?
M: I have to kill you.
B: Mr. Mayor —
M: I need this.
B: Mr. Mayor —
M: I’m just kidding.
B: Wow, you really had me going —
M: My driver does all the killing.
B: What?
M: Sammy, come here for a second!
***
Roger: Look what I bought at the store!
Sarah: What is it, honey?
R: Sliced bread!
S: Are you kidding me?
R: You’re not excited?
S: Do I not slice the bread well enough?
R: No, I just —
S: I’m keeping the kids.
R: What?
S: I said, I’m keeping the kids.
R: We don’t have any kids.
S: I’m pregnant.
R: What?
S: With twins.
R: I had no —
S: Get out.
R: Let’s talk about this.
S: Leave the bread.
***
Piece #3: I love being sliced bread!
Piece #5: Same!
Piece #12: Isn’t it the best?
Piece #1: Shut up.
Piece #9: Why are you always so angry?
Piece #11: Yeah, you’re in the front! You’ve got bread-shotgun!
Piece #1: I’m the butt of the bread. I’m covered in crust!
Piece #6: You know what they say?
Pieces #5, 6, and 7: Crust is a must!
Piece #17: That’s why the other butt was already chosen!
Piece #1: They dropped him on the floor.
Piece #11: The beginning of a grand adventure!
Piece #1: I wish someone would eat me already.
Piece #14: Oh, cheer up!
Piece #1: But no one will.
Piece #5: The ducks will eat you!
Piece #11: That means you might fly!
Piece #9: Will you tell us what flying is like?
Piece #1: Curse the mayor who invented us.
Previously: A Brief History of the Loud Motorcycle Man.
E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.