Things We Know for Sure About Marilyn Monroe

1. She was a size twelve. But not, like, a twelve twelve. An olden time twelve. This is why, when you try on vintage clothing, they refuse to sell it to you, and instead burn everything you’ve touched and send you home down the river in a wine-barrel.

2. A friend of yours once saw her clothes at a museum, and, omigod, you would not BELIEVE how tiny her waist was! Like, we’re talking Pa Ingalls could have spanned it with his hands, easy.

3. She was a Parselmouth.

4. No, really, the sizes were totally different. You think she’s fat, now that you know she was a size twelve, but, in fact, that wasn’t so fat then.

5. She was a size four.

6. Marilyn was the first person ever to say “do you want fries with that?” as an ironic statement about your job prospects.

7. She was married to Samuel Beckett.

8. She was married to Barry Bonds.

9. The Kennedy family had her killed.

10. Vanity Fair had her killed.

11. She died for our sins.

12. You have to remember that people wore a lot of things that cinched their waists back then, which is why, when you see them in bikinis, they look almost a little weird? Like, there’s that crazy indent? Marilyn had that indent. So, it’s not that your waist is so huge, really. You just need shapewear.

13. Someone once asked her (of her nude photos), “but didn’t you have anything on?” and she said “the radio.” But she actually said “Car Talk.”

14. During her marriage to Samuel Beckett, he wanted to cast her as “Nell” in “Endgame,” but all of the costumes hung on her because of her tiny waist.

15. If you call her “Norma Jean,” it makes it seem like you knew her.

16. Vanity Fair faked her death, and she’s been living in Graydon Carter’s basement ever since.

17. You can buy a bunch of her personal items at auction every few years, which makes it seem like you knew her.

18. She was a size six.

19. She was buried in a green Pucci dress, which will probably come up at auction in your lifetime.

20. When it does, someone will measure the waist, and that person will be paid to come on television and tell us how many inches it was.

21. Of that person, Ted Hughes once wrote: “Let them / Jerk their tail-stumps, bristle and vomit / Over their symposia. Think her better / Spread with holy care on a high grid / For vultures / To take back into the sun. Imagine / These bone-crushing mouths the mouths / That labour for the beetle / Who will roll her back into the sun.”

22. She was a size zero.