The Instructions Needed to Build an Ikea Bookshelf

by E.A. Weiss

1. Place the wooden pegs into the side of the large board.

2. Put the screws into the same board. There are two almost identical types of screws, so you’ve got a 50/50 chance of using the right one.

3. Put the two small boards on top of the large board.

4. The small boards are facing the wrong way. Do it again.

5. Get the other large board to put on top of the small boards. Does it already have a scratch on it? Too bad.

6. Twist the plastic holders to keep your screw in place. You weren’t given any extra holders and they break easily because we made them out of plastic, so be careful.

7. Get the Gorilla Glue and try to fix the plastic holder you just broke. Now glue it into the board and give up on this step.

8. Slide the back of the bookshelf in and screw it into the large boards. It seems that you made a mistake on the first step because you started with the wrong large board.

9. Deconstruct everything and start over.

10. Take your frustration out on your girlfriend, who you are moving in with, and let her do the same to you.

11. Now, do steps one through eight correctly.

12. You have a bookshelf!

13. Swear you’ll never go to Ikea again.

14. Go to Ikea to buy a desk, bed frame, chair, and two dressers.

15. Eat our meatballs. Eat them.

Previously: Sliced Bread.

E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.