You Can Still Count Resolutions If You Start Them Today

…because WE’RE back, right? That’s a thing, now! Resolutions are kind of great, I think. I have a resolution against making body-based resolutions, with the exception of my first body-based resolution this year:

1. To wait out the full cycle of four quadrant beeps on my electric toothbrush instead of just turning it off when I get bored or sleepy or the tile is too cold on my feet.

But the other two are totally not body-based:

2. Because of this hot mess, turning off devices before bed and reading a Physical Book a week. This week it’s a shiny review copy of William Nicholson’s Motherland, which has a great cover and so far is like a butch Atonement with similarly weird descriptions of having your vulva touched in the early and/or mid-20th century. It’s working for me, but I already have a paper cut. Physical Books: a double-edged sword.

3. More ‘Pin Picks. Tomorrow! New ‘Pin Picks tomorrow, everyone.

Okay, let it out. Are you not Facebook stalking that guy anymore? Are you going to finish your dissertation? Are you trying to stay on top of the popular music this year?

If you are not doing resolutions, just tell us what horrible things people said at dinner. My father-in-law dissed “The Muppet Christmas Carol,” which, by the transitive property, is the new blasphemy.