Humblebrags About My Dog

by Sarah Beller

“Ughhh, I’m sooo tired, I jogged like three miles today with Angel. He has so much energy, it’s crazy.”

“Yeah, sorry he’s a little scared of strangers … I mean we got him from a shelter, so …”

“Who’s ‘we’? Oh, me and my boyfriend Mike. It’s stressful, I wish he was all mine, but no, we share him.”

“It’s weird, I used to haaate mornings, but now I just smile when Angel wakes me up. I’m always annoying my coworkers with emails at like 6 a.m., LOL.”

“People are always stopping me on the street to tell me how ‘cute’ he is! It’s like, hello!? He has a brain.”

“It’s just really overwhelming to be confronted with that kind of unconditional love. No, it’s more than love. Adoration. It really puts pressure on me to be a better person.”

“Oh my god it’s embarrassing when Mike pretends Angel is our son!”

“They say people with pets live longer, but it’s like, oh great a few more years in this crazy place! No thank you.”

“I hate how Amanda, my old camp friend, is allergic to dogs so she can never come over. :(“

Previously: I Blew It With Scott Speedman.

Sarah Beller’s writing has appeared or is forthcoming in The Fix, xoJane, Lilith Magazine, Salon and Take the Handle. You can follow her on Twitter @JulesBesch.