Go Halfsies On … The Personalized Beverage

by The Hairpin

Jane: Edith, as you may or may not have noticed, I live in California now, and what is California known for? Besides that. No, besides that. Yes! Wine. Correct. Do you know that everyone here has their own wine? Okay, maybe not everyone, but every Coppola, and then there’s the vineyard my friend Erin’s parents own and the one my dude’s sister housesits for sometimes, and there’s even Hello Kitty wine. I’m not saying we should buy a vineyard, because that’s the same as buying a farm and there’s no way in hell, and besides, I doubt Hello Kitty actually owns a vineyard. She probably just pays some other vineyard to put her name on a bottle. Like Ramona on The Real Housewives. We should do that!

Edith: Jane, nothing is more amazing to me than imagining the two of us sitting next to each other on lawn chairs drinking from our own individual bottles of wine that have our names on them. What do we call it? Jane Mariedith Zimmerman? No, because that is the name of both of our first children. Hmm. How much would this cost, anyway? I know you know these things. I just Googled “personalized wine” and all I found were these gross glasses. Wait, no, I love those glasses! Can we also buy those glasses? Anyway, how do we get our slice of the vineyard?

Jane: Jane is my name, and Googling is my game (especially wine-related Googling!). I think we would each AT LEAST need a case, right? Two cases? Now I’m worrying there will never be enough! *Pull it together, Jane!* So this place will do two cases with your amazing JEMZ (JEMZ! Get it? It’s an acronym jumble. Get it now?) label for around $400. Is that too much? $200 each for us to make our one and only dream in life come true? It’s actually starting to sound like the deal of the century.

Edith: JEMZ!!! JEMZ! JANE, I need at least a case of JEMZ. I guess the only risk is if the wine is not great, because then we’re stuck with wine we don’t like and won’t drink. Lolol imagine if there was a wine I wouldn’t drink. This site looks like not only can we name our wine, we can give it a picture. Jane, do you know that I designed a wine label once before? It’s sort of like those pigs that slice ham off themselves. Or we can come up with a new one! I’d say we should get cabernet, but one of the options is a “mixed case,” which seems like a good bet to me.

Jane: Ooh, a mixed case, yes! But can you specify like “mixed case please but no Chard, I’d rather die?” That is literally the only wine I would not finish a case of — probably? And I love the label; you are an incredible and unique artist and our wine is lucky to have you. You know, not only is sharing fun and makes this super-expensive splurge possible (maybe, I need to check my account balances!), but this is something I would never do on my own. Because that would be embarrassing. “I’ll take two cases of this wine for myself. Here, I make believed all alone that I was a vintner and drew up this beautiful label. Shipping and billing address is the same! I’ll be back next month.” So thank you for that, Edith. Thank you for being a friend.

Edith: Jane, I could not love you more than I do.

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