How to Talk to Women

by Emma Rosenblum

Last week, at an annual issues conference in Virginia, House Republicans held a panel called “Successful Communication with Women and Minorities,” moderated by former ‘Real World’-er Rachel Campos-Duffy. Here, a lady-script for both Democrats and Republicans.

Hey girl, what’s up?

Did you see Downton Abbey last night?

Matthew looks so weird this season. I know — poor Edith.

Ugh, my legs are so sore from spinning.

It’s, like, $35 a class. Super expensive. That’s why [D: it’s cool that taxes rates are staying low/R: it sucks that the government is taking all our money].

I like your bangs, but I think my face is too round. What do you think?

OMG, Anne Hathaway is so annoying.

I know, she did look good.

Is she pregnant, though?

Yeah, birth control [D: should be covered by insurance/R: shouldn’t be covered by insurance].

Well, did you text him back? Here, let me look at what he said.

Can you pull him up on Facebook?

Do you think that picture makes it look like he might be gay?

I am totally [D: for/R: against] gay marriage, by the way.

Are you wearing Wicked? Or Really Red?

Is this your scarf? You dropped it on the floor.

I love it — is it J.Crew? It has been super cold out.

My skin is so dry from the wind. I think climate change is [D: most likely real/R: most likely real, but does it really matter?].

Awesome, okay. I’ll see you later! Tell your mom I say hi.

Previously: Save the Date

Emma Rosenblum is an editor at Businessweek.