Inteview With a Gunnison Sage Grouse
As part of our ongoing series of conversations with animals on policy and population control issues, we recently sat down with Anne, a Gunnison sage grouse living in Utah.
Us: Hi, Anne.
Anne: O THE ROSY-FINGERED DAWN! O HERALD OF THE MORNING!
Us: Is this a bad time? Who’s he?
Anne’s Special Friend: MY DARLING! LET US GREET THIS NEW DAY TOGETHER!
Us: Oh. Ohhhh. Um, we can come back?
Anne: POP THOSE AIR SACS AT ME.
Anne’s Special Friend: You want me to fan my tail, too?
Anne: You know it, baby.
Us: I mean, we only have an hour or so in Moab to get this interview done.
Anne: Hm. Dollface, can you take five?
Anne’s Special Friend: For you, my sweet? I’d take twenty.
Us: What we wanted to talk about, is, your, um, the dwindling population. There are less than five thousand of you left.
Anne: This is why we dance.
Us: Pardon?
Anne: Have you never seen a dystopian movie? We are in our hedonistic phase. It’s after the panicking and before the acceptance.
Us: Is that…healthy?
Anne: Every grouse dies; but does every grouse truly live? Tell me, what are you doing with your one wild and precious life?
Us: Oh, Anne, it is really early in the morning for that kind of question.
Anne: Is it? Is it too early for anything? How old are you?
Us: I’m thirty.
Anne: Oh, so, you’re middle-aged.
Us: No, you’re middle-aged when you’re fifty.
Anne: How long do you think you’ll live? Ninety years?
Us: Sure.
Anne: Okay, divide that into thirds. Which third are you heading into right now?
Us: Hey, now.
Anne: Join us. Join us this morning. Embrace the dawn!
Us: Okay, let’s do this. (rips off shirt) Anyone got an air sac they want to pop at me?