10 Things I Plan On Learning Before My 25th Birthday

by Alida Nugent

Alida Nugent is author of the book, “Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse” and is the human behind The Frenemy.

In August, I turn 25 years old. I don’t plan on having a quarter-life crisis because I’ve been plenty happy with the mini-crises I’ve already been having in various stages of my life. Instead, I plan on improving myself. Less crumbs on the old lap, if you know what I mean (I mean crumbs on my lap). Here is a list of things I plan to improve on, for the Internet is made of lists.

1. How to DIY: Thanks to the Internet, there’s a huge space in my brain that is aware of the wonders of applying fabric paint on vintage chairs, or how one can turn an old newspaper into a lampshade, and other such glorious projects. Unfortunately, the last thing I have ever do-it-myselfed was a stain on my futon made worse by the addition of half a bottle of Febreze fabric spray. Not any longer! By the time I turn quarter-century old, I will master the art of taking silk flowers, arranging them artfully amongst books I have thrifted, and voila!: I will have a new dresser made out of old books and flowers from a craft store. Impressive! I’m a Buzzfeed post in the making!

2. Craft Cocktails: The best cocktail I ever made up till now is the “Bill Nuge.” My dad loves red wine straight from the fridge, so when I’m visiting home, I’ll sneak some and add a bunch of ginger ale to it so I can tell him “Dad, it’s not that much, it’s mostly ginger ale.” But it’s not, it’s really not. However, let’s all seize the day! When life hands you lemons or violet flowers, make simple syrup! Take the zest of the lemons and add the essential oils to a hearty brew of vodka and farm-to-table juices! Make your life a speakeasy, even if the Great Gatsby movie was total dog crap, good for only what I assume to be an upcoming Banana Republic Fall 2013 collection.

3. Prepare for my period: No matter how often I mark it on my calendar or place thousands of sanitary napkins and tampons around me, I still am utterly shocked every time another month goes by. BLARGH, I scream as I wrap my new talons around a bar of chocolate and all who despair me. TIME AGAIN, I scream into the pits of hell.

4. Do my hair up: One time, I tried a braided up-do. Not related (and definitely related), I ended up going to this up-do-appropriate occasion 30 minutes late, covered in sweat and fury, screaming at the birds who had begun making a home on my head. I’d like to be able to be tres chic in a cute chignon or “anything but a ratty ponytail.”

5. Live Like A Lifestyle Blog: Embrace my body and tell people motivational quotes about how I love my tummy because it holds all the tacos I housed on a Tuesday night. Do lunges and squats in cute neon pink gear — be healthy and exercise without being angry at my body for its flaws. Eat granola for breakfast while reading the newspaper and sitting next to freshly cut flowers. Wear light blue skirts that are perfect for spring, house tacos and repeat.

6. Master time management: Go to Netflix and actually know what movie I am going to watch instead of taking 43 hours to pick one. Do my nails during an appropriate hour of the night, not five minutes before I need to make dinner. Go to brunch at 10 a.m. Blog earlier than midnight.

7. Get my dream job: My dream job, of course, is one that sometimes provides free lunches, has a decent coffee machine, starts and ends at reasonable hours (9–6?), with the kind of boss who doesn’t mind if you sometimes mail your makeup packages to the office while you surf the Internet and take your shoes off underneath the desk.

8. Pay off my loans: Specifically, pay off my loans every month at a reasonable time, and don’t let that check put me in a tailspin of despair that makes me bite my pillow and chunk off pieces of my soul as if they are Parmigiano-Reggiano. Financial stability is what I’m saying, although I’d take “Financially stable as a three-legged chair.”

9. Being the good kind of person who keeps in contact with her friends and calls them on a regular basis and doesn’t just post on their Facebook walls at 2 a.m.: Enough said.

10. Face Reality: Although I know I will not reach many of these, I can at least start doing the little things: keeping deodorant in my bag when it gets hot and gross, go to the gym at least once a month, throw out all the old coffee grounds in my cabinet and buy new ones, buy freesia-scented candles for my living room. I’m talking baby steps, people. After all — 25 is pretty young. I’ve got a lot more roads to get wrong, turn around, and start on a new one.

Alida Nugent is the author of Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse (Plume/Penguin Books).