Get This Look: Sports!

By The Hairpin May 29, 2013

by Rebecca Jane Stokes

1.) Football

The first ever American-style football game was based on Rugby, and played by folks over at Princeton and Rutgers, because only nerds are into football or sports at all. Hilariously, during this particular game, the rules were such that no one could pick up the ball and carry it. Instead they flung their whole bodies at the ball, making early football not dissimilar from twerking frantically and violently in mid-air. The first person to play a professional game of football was a dude known as Pudge, which I think pretty much tells you everything you need to know. In football, there is offense and defense and skinny guys and large guys and guys who run fast and guys who can crush your bones. The purpose is to get the ball to one end of the field, and to celebrate by doing a little dance. To sound in the know during a football game loudly ask, “Whose down? Whose down?” over and over again.

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***2.) Beer Pong

Beer Pong is a traditional drinking game, played with pitchers of draft beer, the ubiquitous red solo cups, and never, ever scotch instead of beer. I cannot overstate that fact. If I were given a time machine, the first thing I would do is go visit myself circa 2008 in Atlantic City and yell this information at myself. Then I would kill Hitler. In that order. In Beer Pong, the cups of each team are arranged in a triangle. The object is to toss your ball into the opposite team’s cups. When you make a shot, they have to drink up the beer in those cups while you yell, “DRINK IT UP BITCHES!” and then you smash a lamp and pass out because you did not listen to me and you used scotch.

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***3.) Hockey

Hockey has many forms. You can play it in a little kicky skirt on a field and hit other players with your stick and then get benched, or you can be 10 years old and play it on the basketball court with plastic sticks, whacking a puck aimlessly and bellowing, “SLAPSHOT!” until you inadvertently hit your gym teacher in the ass with the puck and are benched from gym. Ice Hockey is very serious. A lot of the players are very attractive, Canadian and also missing many teeth. In hockey, you want to get the puck into the net of your opposing team. This is a feat made challenging by the well-padded goalie whose only job is to stop you from getting the puck in. Hitting stuff around on ice for recreation has been A Thing since medieval times. But the hockey we know probably came from the game the British soldiers played in Canada with the Icelandic immigrants. Did you know a bunch of Icelandic folks fled to Canada after a volcano made their home unlivable? Celebrate that you don’t fear a volcano by playing some hockey today.

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