Oh My God. Was Marty The Best “Gilmore Girls” Boyfriend?

Oh my god…

I have a lot of bad traits, unless you’re someone I want to date, in which case I have only good ones and am very charming with an even temperament. Otherwise, one of my worst traits is how often I’m in the middle of re-watching “Gilmore Girls.” Presently I’m re-watching it because my dog has never seen it. OK? Before you say anything I’d like to tell you to go fuck yourself, all right? What are you doing that’s so great? Eating shit? Sucking my dick? Fuck off. Anyway. Oh my god. Was Marty the best boyfriend?

Marty wasn’t a boyfriend, but I’m asking you to put that aside while you consider the question. I’d always discounted Marty because of how weak he was, but — was he really? Yes, sort of, but — was he really? He immediately told Rory that she was being annoying about Logan, and then he put her in a cab and walked home. Remember when he did that? That was pretty good. He let Logan put him down about how he was a bartender, but I feel like, you know, what was he going to say in that moment that would have proved Logan to be worse than he was proving himself to be in that moment? That was already pretty well taken care of. (Though I guess Rory must have found it attractive…) And anyway, Marty needed the money. His body was manly even though it was thin and lanky. He was very hot. When we saw his dorm room he had a A Confederacy of Dunces poster and A Confederacy of Dunces was on the top of his stack of books. That’s not a positive it’s just something that was a noticeably odd choice in terms of set dressing.

Only likes one book?

I have to imagine he got much hotter and more confident after college. And he was already so hot! Except — remember when he dated Krysten Ritter’s character, Lucy? He was an exceptional wet blanket at that point. Like, jesus. Grow a pair, Marty. Logan was rude to him, again, but like…just like…stand up for yourself, Marty. Don’t let Krysten Ritter call you “boyfriend,” Marty, as if it’s your name. I know she’s extremely hot but give me a break. Always had a frown on his face. Exhausting. Get over Rory, man. She doesn’t love you. (Even if she did buy a wig and a top hat for when you guys watched Duck Soup.)

Obviously the worst boyfriend was Dean. Generally I believe the best boyfriend was Jess. Jess had, at least, the best boyfriend arc. Everyone knows this. It was the most satisfying, for sure. And, man, he was so hot. The college years and beyond are terrible, so Marty has that going against him. (Also Logan has that going against him. I don’t think he’s terrible, but he certainly has a lot of terrible moments.) People think “Gilmore Girls” got bad when Amy Sherman-Palladino left but it was bad long before that, and most of what was bad in that last season — other than the dialogue, which was terrible — was put into motion under ASP. Just telling you the truth, which is my job.

Marty. He is probably the “boyfriend” I’d want to date the most, personally. Jess, like…I mean, obviously I like that he works at a small publishing house in Philadelphia as that was once my exact dream, and I like that he had a Dinosaur Jr. t-shirt on when Rory visited him there, but it’s just like, man, grow up, man. Lose the attitude.

The second-worst boyfriend, after the dreaded Dean, is Zack, Lane’s husband. God he was fucking awful. Dumb, bad taste, rude, a bad partner, impregnated Lane with twins after having sex with her one bad time. ON A BEACH! Poor Lane. What a sad fucking life. Have to be married to Zack. Twins. No friends other than Rory. Jesus. Extremely bleak.

All the guys are bad on “Gilmore Girls” and in life but I feel like maybe Marty is the best bet. He was sweet, and he loved Rory, and he was charming, and he was hot.

Except that Logan was rich!!!!!!!!!!!!!!