Beauty Tips from Countess Elizabeth Bathory

A 16th-century Hungarian serial killer who murdered young women and bathed in their blood as part of her beauty regime.

Countess,

I’ve got tons of products. I’m telling ya, I’m a walking Kiehl’s catalog. I’m gorgeous, sure. I know it, everybody knows it but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something MORE I could be doing. Something to nourish and rejuvenate my insides as well as my outsides? Like… some kind of drink or something?

Sure, there’s the old adage about drinking 8 glasses of water. And mother always swore by a glass (or two or five) of red wine in the evening. You know… for the antioxidant value. So other than booze and Kiehl’s what else should I be doing to stay young and beautiful?

Your mother is a wise woman. Red wine is widely known for it’s antioxidants value. It works. But ya know what’s better? Blood. Human Blood. Whether you slather it on your face or wash it down with a wedge of brie the effect is the same… youthful, glowing skin. BLOOD. Maybe she’s born with it… maybe she killed for it.

Countess,

My nail beds are a hot mess. My cuticles are positively out of control. Is it better to cut them or push them back?

Push them back. Over time that will impede their growth. If you cut them it’s kinda like cutting a weed, they’ll grow back twice as fast. I personally find that pushing my servants cuticles back with pins slows the rate of my own cuticle growth. If you can draw a little blood so much the better. What can I say when you feel good, you look good.

Countess,

I’m feeling old. I’m feeling tired. To sum it up… I look like sh*t. Can you recommend a good anti-wrinkle cream? I’m thinking something topical. You see, I’m terrified of needles and morally opposed to Botox… also I’m broke. Perhaps a good face mask, or cream? I hear Revlon has got some new DermaLift products, would you recommend that? What is Dermalift anyway?

Screw Dermalift* you need BLOOD. Have you ever tried bathing in the blood of Virgins? It’s a Miracle serum! Totally Natural, organic and sustainable (well.. sort of sustainable).

I’m not the first royal to take rejuvenating baths. Look at Cleopatra! She used to take milk baths. Donkey’s milk. Now… look at a Donkey and then look at a young maiden… Need I say more. Whose juices would you rather bathe in?

Don’t be grossed out. All the stars are doing it.

Oh yeah, you thought Kim Kardashian invented the Vampire Facial**? Bitch, Please. Enter Bathory.

So here’s what ya do…

Look around your village for a young maiden, preferably an innocent klutzy looking one. Grab her and take her back to your castle, lock her up and bleed her. It’s helpful if you don’t pick up anyone of noble birth. It’s not so much that peasants have superior blood (they don’t) it’s just that folks are less likely to care that they are missing.

Once you’ve rounded up a few maids dump the blood into your bath tub. I have one of those old-fashioned claw foot tubs so I need at least three maidens per bath, but for most standard issue tubs you can get away with a maiden and a half.

Then… Submerge! Treat Yo Self! Light a couple of Glade candles, grab a trashy magazine and let the stress of your day (and those frown lines)melt away! You should see younger looking skin in 3–6 weeks.

Countess,

I am 35 years old and I have yet to find the right lip color. I’ve tried 3 dollar lipsticks, 50 dollar lipsticks. Nars, Maybelline, I’ve tired layering multiple colors. Countess, tell me what is the perfect lipstick?

It’s not a Lipstick… It’s more of a LipStain…. OK it’s blood. Human blood. It won’t kiss off on him… cause he’s probably already run screaming from the room.

The answer is always blood, people. Yes! OK! Ya happy?! Human blood, preferably human blood that is young, virtuous. Just use blood. For Everything!

Blood, it’s new Vaseline of beauty products. Drink it. Bathe in it.

*So for those of you not in the know a Vampire Facial uses your own blood (apparently a dessert size spoonful is the recommended dosage) then the technician whips it up and injects it into your face. I say… why use your own blood when you can exploit the young lifeblood of the working class?

** No, I don’t know what Dermalift is. No one does.