Modern-Day Superheroes We Need

by Carlye Wisel

Seamless Door-Answering Dinnertime Megazord

In Metropolis, even the ultra-lazy need saving. And plastic utensils.

Train Pole De-sanitizer Man

Saving the innocent from super-bacteria without requiring participation in a breakdancing show.

Cronut Duplicator X

Fighting against all insurgents who hath deemed pastries as finite resources.

The Mystical All-Powerful Crane

Gigantic robot pick you up at cross-town bar, gigantic robot drop you off at home like stuffed panda in arcade game. Gigantic robot crave love. For gigantic robot, love ever-fleeting. (Coming to Uber in 2014.)

Dr. Deep Facebook Hole Of Shame Blocker

No more babies, no more engagements, no more ex-boyfriend, no more sunshine, ain’t no, ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, only darkness every day, ain’t no sunshine when she’s gon —

Customer Service Tag-Team Cyborg

Protect the brave, honor the innocent, and save the world from seeing man as monster who demands cable setup.

Frozen Yogurt Pre-Weigh Price Minstrel

Dollars and cents, dollars and cents, which neon cuppeth gone this path whence? Gummy, cookie crumbles so pricey / do you deserve the fee? / For when hefty chocolate doth top frozen milk swirl/ ’tis where spending will be!

Mr. Fantastic Podcast Summarizer

Go on, free world, reference everything you’ve ever heard at ease. Let the gratitude of saving mankind from hours of Pete Holmes’ chortle be remembered for as long as time goes forth.

Wonder Not What To Wear Woman

Committed to eradicating all hideous unworn clothing in exchange for human currency by way of the biannual Buffalo Exchange Sales Associate Battle Royale.

Captain Appearances

He who eradicates all Dorito crumb enemies and sticky Twizzler adversaries from the mythical land of Keyboardius, deletes erroneous text messages prior to love ones’ snooping, and partakes in always unplanned yet forever-appreciated cache-clearing.

Previously: Quick Cocktails to Sneak Past Your Family

Photo via divine_harvester/flickr.

If Carlye Wisel had a secret power, it would be invisibility and super-strength. (That way, she could finally buy that carnival-sized jug of nacho cheese from CostCo.) Get a load of her words, pizza t-shirts and poorly-made GIFs at Awkward City.