5 Conversations Resulting From the Scene In The Counselor Involving Cameron Diaz’s Vagina
1.
“Oh great. Now Cameron Diaz’s vagina is going to be all over the internet.”
“What? They didn’t show it.”
“Oh, OK. I had this idea that you actually saw it, pressed against the windshield.”
“No. My God. Of course not. What are you, a moron?”
“OK, I don’t know! You said: ‘There’s a scene where Cameron Diaz rubs her vagina up against a car windshield,’ so I just assumed you actually saw it.”
“The movie would be X-rated. When have you ever seen an X-rated movie?”
“OK, forget it! Jesus.”
2.
“Cormac McCarthy is so sexist.”
“Why?”
“Are you serious?”
“I just don’t know why that one thing makes him sexist.”
“He wrote a four-minute speech where a man compares a woman’s vagina to a catfish. He needs to do more?”
“OK. First of all, it’s a character talking. And maybe Cormac McCarthy thinks that’s what a woman’s vagina looks like.”
“Oh my God.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m going to get a drink.”
3.
“I heard Cameron Diaz isn’t really all that flexible in real life.”
“You heard she’s not that flexible?”
“Yeah. I read it somewhere. Plus, only like, 10 percent of the population can do the splits.”
“Did you read that? Or did you hear that?”
“I think I…heard that.”
“You heard that, but you read that Cameron Diaz isn’t flexible.”
“Go ahead. Google ‘Cameron Diaz’s and ‘not flexible.’”
“OK. Yeah. She says: ‘I can do just about anything physical I put my mind to.’”
“Sometimes you can’t google the stuff that’s in magazines.”
“OK. I believe you. What? Why are you looking at me like that? I said I believe you.”
4.
“Now I’m never going to get you to read a Cormac McCarthy book.”
“That is correct! In fact, the words, ‘Just try reading The Road. You’ll really like The Road’ can now be eradicated from your vocabulary.”
“I didn’t know my taste annoyed you so much.”
“It doesn’t.”
“OK.”
“It doesn’t! I was joking.”
“OK. Good. I’m glad.”
5.
“And the worst part is when Javier Bardem is like, ‘She’s got this Brazilian wax job.’ I mean, so does everyone. But Cormac McCarthy is like 700 years old and he’s like, ‘Brazilan wax job, yippee!’ It’s so gross and sad.”
“I don’t have a Brazilian.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“Do you think that’s weird that I don’t have one? That I just shave the sides?”
“No! I’m not even talking about that.”
“Because you just said, ‘So does everyone.’ But I don’t.”
Previously: Olives — It’s What’s For Dinner
Sarah Miller is the author of Inside the Mind of Gideon Rayburn and The Other Girl. She lives in Nevada City, CA.