The Austrian Spa Diet Sounds Miserable

Just get a stomach flu instead.

There’s a wild read over at Jezebel today, from Noël Duan, who spent a week at Viva Mayr, a fancy five-star spa where rich cosmopolites drink epsom salts and shit themselves to lose weight.

When I arrive, I am greeted by a young blonde Austrian woman named Sandra. She is wearing braids and she looks just someone Georg von Trapp might have an affair with. She gives me the grand tour of the resort, which looks like a hospital that converted into a resort to make more money. “Do you know about the Epsom salts?” she asks me. I pause. For bathing? “Oh, no,” Sandra laughs. “Every morning before breakfast, you must drink them. It’s a laxative.” She then points across the corridor to the tea bar, which is a wall fixture that dispenses hot water, vegetable broth, and 10 different types of herbal teas. “I recommend drinking the Organic Liver Tea, two cups, everyday,” Sandra explains. “It’s very bitter but it is good for detox.” I vow to dutifully drink the liver tea everyday because Sandra is glowing and this isn’t the first time I’ve been convinced to do unpleasant things for beauty by a blonde woman.

A week there costs about four thousand dollars. Think of the many years of gym memberships you could afford and still have money for bread left over. Another great line that Casey Johnston would surely approve of: “You don’t cut out sugar and become perfect, though the lifestyle gurus on Instagram consistently tell me otherwise.”

Learning to Chew, Swallow, and Shit at Viva Mayr, an Austrian Detox Spa for the Ultra Wealthy