Would You Like Some Conspiracies With Your Herpes Cure?

NewLife magazine is New York’s guide to enlightenment

If you ask me, NewLife Magazine is among the top 25 free homeopathic healing publications with an emphasis on alien mind control evasion written by opportunistic burnouts on the market today. If you live in New York City, you might recognize NewLife as one of the bizarro things on display in the outdoor magazine stands that litter our beautiful island in the sun.

For those of you who lead full lives and can never seem to find the time to rummage through the contents of the garbage slop troughs that line Lexington Avenue, I will attempt to explain in this way: in the Venn diagram that includes alternative medicine profiteering, Area 51 updates, bikini babes, government conspiracies, and butt medicine breakthroughs, NewLife Magazine is in the very center. According to a 2015 Groupon interview (!), NewLife was Founded by Mark Becker in 1975 with the aim of “Educating and communicating to earthlings how they can take responsibility for their own health and for their own life.”

Some of the more compelling headlines over the years include: “Cure Herpes with Water?”, “Herbal Solutions to Monogamy”, “12 Nutrients That Can Protect You From Brain Sludge”, “Help The Children Why Diseases of Childhood Are Skyrocketing By Raphael”[sic], “Medical Prostitution”, “Book Review…….A Third Life Paranormal and Walking in the Unseen World”[sic], “THE REAL TRANSCRIPTS OF MARY MAGDELENE”[sic], “Dont Worry … Be Happy Every Little Thing Will Allright”[sic], “Cancer Awareness Or Is It Fear Mongering !”[sic], and “The Crucifixion of America”.

A couple of things you can glean from the headlines alone are a flagrant disregard for conventional grammar and exceedingly unclear profit motives. Like, pitching a cancer cure-all to desperate individuals who have exhausted all traditional medical options available to them I understand, but what is the end-game with throwing people off the herpes treatment trail? Why is there a Mary Magdalene spin team and why are they so much better at getting people to publish their bad opinions than I am? Is there money in any of this? I guess their messaging inconsistencies and apparent branding problem boils down to the fact that when you get a bunch of fried hippies together with a slew of consciously unmedicated conspiracy theorists, there is a dearth of collective business acumen.

You might take a look at this cover and ask yourself, “What am I looking at here? Who is Prolo and why does she know about my sustained identity crisis? Is it even possible that I’m not fully up to speed on all of the new dental techniques?” And that’s because the very first thing you have to do before diving into America’s guide to a healthy mind, body and spirit (that also functions as New York’s guide to enlightenment) is take everything you thought you knew about how your body, our government, and the time-space continuum works and throw it in the dumpster.

That being said, the brain trust behind the NewLife enterprise hit pay dirt twice a year by hosting expos where you can hear a bevy of their informed ass experts fill in all of your knowledge gaps for the price of whatever amount it costs. Here are some of the things you could have learned about at their most recent event:

These people have taught me all I know about unconventional medicine, extraterrestrial physiology, and the history of the United States. I also am up to speed on what to shoot into your butt for any given malady, because the good doctors behind NewLife are the pioneers of butt remedies. Western medicine has turned a blind eye to butt cures but NewLife is on the front lines, shooting stuff up there all the time on the off chance that it yields positive results. Almost every issue has a butt-medicine breakthrough, which just goes to show you, something.

Make no mistake, the medical solutions presented in this publication seem to be dubious at best. But at this point, we can all agree on one thing—our “doctors” are reptile people who have infiltrated almost every domain of expertise and we must reject their experiments on us if we are to survive as a human race. Just think about it…almost everyone knows someone who has died. Whatever they’re doing to us? Not working. We have to throw out the rule book and start throwing spaghetti at the wall, medically speaking, which is exactly what NewLife is all about.

If you can’t afford to attend an expo because all of your expendable income is going toward your actual healthcare and you’re chill with basically funding the westernized traditional medicine machine just because you have an “actual” “illness”, I can offer you this interim solution — NewLife lead advisor/field expert Ron Armitron’s YouTube account. He describes how to heal yourself by just like, counting for 30 minutes, and also how to stop time or help enslaved aliens leave Earth.

Listen, I don’t know what kind of life I’d be living right now if not for NewLife Magazine. What I do know is that you can cure Herpes II by drinking twelve 8-oz glasses of water every day (provided you have removed the fluoride).