The L-Word, 2017: PILOT

The L-Word is coming back, and this is how it starts.

EXT: A trendy cemetery in Silverlake, Los Angeles. BETTE, SHANE, and ALICE stand over a grave that reads JENNY SCHECTER, 1980–2009. BETTE, ageless, gorgeous, wearing a three-piece suit, rests a hand on ALICE’s shoulder as she cries softly.

ALICE
I didn’t, like, mean to.

BETTE and SHANE exchange meaningful looks, like, “Uh-huh, sure.”

BETTE
We know.

ALICE
I can’t believe it’s been 8 years.

Suddenly, a beautiful FEMALE UNDERTAKER appears across the cemetery. She locks eyes with SHANE.

SHANE
Yeah… R.I.P.

SHANE purses her lips, claps Alice on the back, and walks toward giggling FEMALE UNDERTAKER, whom she leads behind a large tomb. ALICE wipes her eyes.

BETTE:
I should go. It’s my weekend with Angelica.

ALICE:
Tell her I say hi.

BETTE:
I will. (a pause) And Alice? Maybe it’s time to let go.

Cut to: INT: THE PLANET, EVENING. A hot, surly young woman, TRISTAN (think Kristen Stewart — like preferably actually Kristen Stewart) sits alone at the bar, drinking whisky. She holds her near-empty glass up to the bartender, who winks at her and begins pouring her another.

Her phone vibrates on the counter and she flips it over to read a text from someone named MADDIE, preceded by a series of knife and bomb emojis. The text reads “I MISS U.”

TRISTAN
Fuck.

TRISTAN scowls sexily, downs another drink. She pulls a cigarette from her leather jacket and places it between her lips, throws a fistful of cash on the bar. She gives the bartender a nod goodnight and takes off.

At a table nearby, a girl whispers to her friend.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
Was that Tristan Jaymes?

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 2
Was it?? Shut up. Oh my god. Shut up. I didn’t see. If that was her I’m going to kill myself.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
Let’s go find out.

Cut to: INT: CASEY and ELLIE’S LIVING ROOM. ELLIE fidgets with her camera while CASEY examines her hair and makeup in a compact mirror.

CASEY
Babe, are you almost done?

ELLIE
Yeah, babe.

ELLIE replaces the camera on a tripod and joins CASEY on the couch, facing the lens.

CASEY (cheerily, to invisible audience)
Hey guys!!! Casey here, and today Ellie and I going to talk about the Six Lesbians We’ve All Dated.

ELLIE (to Casey)
I thought we said seven.

CASEY
Ugh, babe!

ELLIE
What?? We did!

CASEY sighs deeply.

EXT: HIGHWAY 405 as BETTE drives. We see a billboard for a new action movie called SATURN ASCENDANT starring MADDIE ROBERTS.

BETTE parks on a residential street, gets out of the car, and rings the doorbell. TINA answers wearing only a towel. Her hair is wet.

TINA
Bette!

BETTE
Tina.

TINA
Angelica’s still at driver’s ed.

BETTE
I know.

Bette steps closer to Tina. And a little closer again. And then so close everyone is like “OMG AHHH.” She slides a hand under Tina’s towel.

Cut to: INT: BACKSTAGE ON THE SET FOR “The Alice Show,” a streaming-only weekly talk show hosted by ALICE. SHANE is styling ALICE’s hair. A PRODUCER enters.

PRODUCER
5 minutes!

PRODUCER exits.

ALICE
Guess who has a date tonight.

SHANE
With who?

ALICE
Her name’s Sami, she’s a fitness model.

SHANE
She know who you are?

ALICE
Shane, there are like, twelve people who watch this show. Literally.

SHANE laughs. A young, beautiful PRODUCTION ASSISTANT enters carrying a water bottle for ALICE.

P.A.
Here you go — oh, hi.

SHANE
Hi.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT giggles, exits.

SHANE
New?

ALICE
Shane…

SHANE grins, starts to walk backward toward the door the P.A. walked through.

ALICE
Shane!

Cut to: EXT: an upscale residential street in BEVERLY HILLS. TRISTAN parks her car and walks up the driveway. A few minutes later, the ANONYMOUS LESBIANS park their car across the street.

INT: ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1’S CAR:

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 2
That’s definitely her.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
I told you.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 2
I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
Whose house is that?

We watch through the windshield as Tristan flicks her cigarette into a bush, runs her hand through her hair, and knocks on the door.

Demi Lovato’s COOL FOR THE SUMMER begins playing.

The door opens slightly, and a woman appears.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
Is that…

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 2
No way.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 2 takes out her phone and zooms in on the pair, now standing very close to each other in the doorway. We watch through the phone as the two women step closer, and closer, and finally kiss, all while AL2 takes photo after photo.

ANONYMOUS LESBIAN 1
Holy shit. That’s Maddie Roberts.

END