Grab Bag Spring Fashion Tips

Listen, I’m not an expert on fashion. I’m a hyperintelligent lab rat who learned to communicate with humans through jokes. I saw an article that said I had to wear a shirt to be en mode, so I’m defaulting to that from now until winter starts again. Wear a shirt, wear a shirt.

But for some, style guidance is necessary or else Vogue would be dead. For those who need it, as the spring months slowly saunter in on whatever drunk unicorn they’ve been riding, I’ve compiled some cool fashion tips from a grab bag of sources. Imagine you’re at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party and you haven’t puked — yet. Learn how to dress yourself this spring. As a wise advertising wiz once put to paper, it’s time to “get your fash on.”

GCHAT
Skimming your Gchat archives for instances of the word “fashion” always provides some good insight.

Olivia: speaking of instagram, someone i know just bought themselves a lululemon brand handbag. like professional handbag.
i don’t udnerstand fashion
me: what on the fuck
oh yeah i saw an ad on facebook
“FINALLY, YOGA PANTS THAT YOU CAN WEAR TO WORK”
it was like
yoga pants with pockets

— — — –

me: “I prefer to be elegant” is my life
Mandy: hahahahaha
me: because it’s like
i may prefer it
doesnt mean it’s gonna happen for me

— — — –

me: meg ryan’s style in the 90s was ON POINT
Zachary: done

GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES
Nobody will see this one coming. The idea is that grilled cheese sandwiches are on trend. I read that somewhere. Maybe on a blog or something. Anyway, you carefully prepare one grilled cheese sandwich a day, around noon. You eat it with a cup of hot black tea and a side of salted cucumber slices arranged in a fan shape. When people see you doing this, they will notice — with pause — that you are glamorous woman with refined taste. This whole act excuses you from participating in fashion.

4/20 EASTER RABBIT
A message from the 4/20 Easter Rabbit: “Fuck fashion — just blaze!”

BOYFRIEND
Most men are slobs. If you let one near you for 3 to 4 days out the week, by contrast, you’re gonna look like Karlie Kloss when you’re in your house slippers and hungover. Look at you, look at you go. You look goddamn amazing. I love your weird hairstyle and threadbare robe.

MAILING LIST THIRST GAMES
Ninety percent of my newsletters go to spam. I’ve unsubscribed to another five percent. The remaining five percent are the ones that get my patronage, the resilient mailing lists that have beaten the spam blocker and won’t heed my unsubscribing. So far we have:

-Delphi Creativity, a site where I bought my mother some stained glass tools for Christmas
-Old Navy, perpetually 40 percent off
-Major League Soccer, which I’m convinced my brother signed me up for

I’m gonna wear a lot of clunky artisan jewelry over cotton sundresses this spring. Punctuate that look with knee pads and cleats and there you have my spring look — for night and day.

PHONE A FRIEND
NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT TELLING YOUR BEST FRIEND WHAT YOU’RE WEARING.

I did this once and Olivia said I looked like a teen skateboarder with angst issues.

MAGAZINES
The great thing about the death of print is that you never have to see a magazine spread again except when you’re at the checkout of the pharmacy. Katy Perry in a bustier and that blonde girl in a bikini. Fifty boxes of Tampons and a two-pack of Chap Stick. Tubes are on trend. Who won that round, magazines?

BOCCE BALL SATIN BOMBER JACKET
When you specifically search the web for something you’ve dreamed up, it probably exists and then you can buy it.

HUMAN EMPATHY
Looks good on everyone except witches.

BRINK! THE ROLLERBLADING DISNEY MOVIE FROM 1998
My attitude toward fashion is exactly parallel to that of Andy “Brink” Brinker from the movie Brink!

For example:

“We skate for fun. We’re soul skaters.”

and:

“When you woke up this morning, did you say to yourself ‘Today, I’m gonna talk.’ or ‘Today, I’m gonna skate!’”

Replace all instances of “skate” with “fashion” and spring is looking bright after all.

Previously: Interview With My Mom, Who Never Had a Single Moms Club

Dayna Evans is a writer. Find her on Twitter here.