BLAH: A Lifestyle Magazine for the Depressed Woman

By The Hairpin March 31, 2014

by Katherine Carlson

Are You a BLAH Girl? Take Our Quiz and Find Out!

Pick the phrase that best describes how you feel about yourself on a typical day:

a) My 12-year-old self would be disappointed
b) Mayor of Crap Town
c) Have lost all connection with self, am dry husk
d) This isn’t a good time

Getting Out of Bed

What fresh hell is this? Oh, daytime. Is there a point? Well, can you still feel the crushing weight of existential dread pressing down, forcing the air from your lungs until each breath is more shallow and desperate? Yes?

Congratulations, there is no point. Hit the snooze button just right and you can relive this horrifying realization of your own cosmic irrelevance two or three more times in the next 30 minutes.

Prepping Your Face for the Bathmat

So you made it out of bed before peeing yourself and now you need a rest. But the couch is way too far away and you’re not yet ready to admit that you won’t be bathing today. Again! What to do? Why not just slide down off the toilet and take a rest on that nice, plush bathmat? The one the two of you bought on your last trip to IKEA together, when you had so much fun pointing out all the couples fighting with each other. Remember how you took that bathmat and the new shoe rack he bought you to your favorite neighborhood bar and laughed about it? You were a fun girlfriend. What’s that smell? Probably mildew. This place is a shithole.

The Latest Fashions for Shut-Ins

Is it clean? Wear it. Is it dirty? Have you smelled it? Wear it. Is it on you right now? Keep wearing it. Is it chafing? Cut the waistband.

Wine Pairings for Yet Another Night In

When choosing the right wine for your Saturday night at home alone, let your nose guide you. If it smells like alcohol, you’re on your way. Red goes well with rich, hearty fare like Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets, while white nicely compliments lighter cuisine like Pepperoni Pizza Lean Pockets. Breathing note: after opening the wine, pour yourself a glass and leave the bottle on the kitchen counter. Sit down and drink the glass. This counts as one glass per sitting. Repeat as necessary throughout the night. You are definitely not an alcoholic if you’re only drinking one glass per sitting, even if the sittings are twenty minutes apart; it’s science. You definitely are getting fat, though.

People Who Just Don’t Get It

Your parents. Your boss. Your friends. Everyone.

Spotlight on Health: Lexapro or Lexa-con?

Yes, you’re still on antidepressants, but it’s just temporary, to get you through a rough patch. Only ten milligrams a day. Maybe fifteen if you’re on your period. Your therapist agrees that it was a bad idea to try to get off of it in the first place, so what does your mom have to say now? That you have a weakness of character? Well whose fault is that? You didn’t ask for this family.

New Advancements in Staring

Possible places to cast your lifeless gaze: the wall, the ceiling, a muted television, the lips of whoever happens to be speaking, the bracelet you admired at an art fair that he bought in secret and saved for your birthday, piles of dirty laundry, a pan of brownies with all the edge pieces cut out, pictures from when you were too young to know what a disappointment you would be, the nest of your own hair piling up in the corner, your side-of-knee fat, the phone, the floor.

Holiday Travel

OH GOD, THE HOLIDAYS.

Profile: That Smug Couple Next Door

There’s something sad behind her eyes, don’t you think? Especially when she talks about her husband. Have you ever actually seen them together? They barely touch. She seems to spend a lot of money on clothes, but she always looks a little droopy. He’s decent-looking, but probably afraid of being alone. I feel sorry for people like them, spending Saturday night with their boring couple friends playing board games about resource management or some shit. Drinking craft beer doesn’t make game night less lame. He kind of had a thing for me once but I thought his head was too pointy.

Horoscopes

ARIES: World of shit; TAURUS: Don’t bother; GEMINI: Give it up; CANCER: Glass totally empty; LEO: Stop looking at me like that; VIRGO: We all die alone; LIBRA: Goddamn it where’s the corkscrew; SCORPIO: No one will ever love you; SAGITTARIUS: Bottomless pit of despair; CAPRICORN: You’ve peaked; AQUARIUS: Your sister is the pretty one and the smart one; PISCES: Who cares.