What Kind of Bird Are You?

by Alison Leiby and Siobhan Blake

Birds are basically everything that we as women want to be: elegant, well-traveled, and nearly weightless. Plus, people are always watching them: you can’t even find a store selling adorable clothes and jewelry without at least one item with a bird on it. But how do you know what kind of feathered femme fatale is the most like you? Take this super fun bird personality quiz and find out!

1. What is your dream dinner?

a. Pizza in between day drinking and night drinking.
b. Green salad and egg white omelet in a take-out container at my desk at 2 a.m.
c. A mixture of quinoa with raisins and fresh wheatgrass cooked over an open fire and served directly into my hands so I can be more connected with my nourishment.
d. Grab whatever looks good off of other people’s plates without asking.

2. What do you like to do for fun?

a. Rip shots at the bar with strangers.
b. Work.
c. Meditate in the centre of a desert.
d. Learn something new like building tool-making tools.

3. How do you react when you don’t get what you want?

a. Go to my liquor store and buy “the usual,” which is a handle of vodka and bottle of merlot.
b. Create a spreadsheet to assign blame.
c. Write down my thoughts on a piece of papyrus and place it in an earthenware pot I bury under a joshua tree.
d. Clawing.

4. What is your greatest fear?

a. When I still want to party at last call and haven’t found anyone to go home with.
b. Not getting a promotion because I’m a woman.
c. Technology.
d. A CD on a string spinning in the wind.

5. Where’s your dream vacation spot?

a. Ibiza.
b. A tour of museums in a European city like Berlin.
c. Sedona.
d. A baby’s crib.

6. What is your greatest strength?

a. My new nose.
b. My J.D./MBA.
c. Compassion for all living things.
d. Problem-solving skills that even science can’t comprehend.

7. How do you work best?

a. After a few shots of Jaeger and wearing a tube top.
b. In my office after everyone else has gone home for the day.
c. On my mat in my Vinyasa class.
d. In a mob.

8. It’s your day off. You…

a. Sleep off my hangover with occasional trips to the door to get pizza delivered.
b. Work. Why not get a head start on tomorrow?
c. Hike through the forest to my favorite waterfall and write poetry.
d. Go through my neighbor’s garbage.

9. Your favorite TV show?

a. Girl Code.
b. Any show about a woman having it all. Also, CNN.
c. I don’t own a TV!
d. Game of Thrones.

10. Your ultimate goal?

a. Replace Chelsea Handler on E!
b. Run for Congress.
c. Move to India and run a B&B for enlightened Americans.
d. Rule the world and enslave all humans.

ANSWER KEY

Mostly As: You are a Barn Owl
Carpe Diem! You’ve never let anyone tell you what to do with your life, least of all your parents. There’s no problem you can’t solve with a halter top and an ice luge. You never say no to anything, which is how you ended up nude zip-lining through Rio that Tuesday. Your bills can wait (they have been for months, anyway), there’s a Sunday Funday bar crawl calling your name.

Mostly Bs: You are a Secretary Bird
All we can say is congratulations. Congrats on being valedictorian of your high school. Congrats on graduating summa cum laude. Congrats on being the best at everything and stomping your opponents into the ground. Who cares if you don’t have “real friends”? If you cared about that, you’d be the best at that, too.

Mostly C’s: You are a Golden Eagle
Good for you for taking time away from your hemp macrame workshop to take this quiz. You are deeply connected to the earth and all living things, hence your obsession with natural deodorant and brushing your teeth with mint leaves instead of toothpaste. No one ever has to ask you how you’re feeling because your mood jewelry tells them everything they need to know. Namaste.

Mostly Ds: You are a Carrion Crow
With one of the highest brain to body ratios of all animals, you have excellent tool-crafting skills. Whether you are working alone or in a group, your ability to estimate size and weight of objects is extremely accurate. You never forget a face, and that’s because you have excellent human facial recognition skills and can draw connections between humans and their homes or cars. While your memorization of the garbage collection schedule is strong, your language skills are unparalleled, regardless of which regional dialect you are using.

Alison Leiby and Siobhan Blake are writing partners who conveniently live 3,000 miles apart. Alison is a stand-up comic in New York and Siobhan is a casting director in Los Angeles. You can follow them on twitter @AlisonLeiby and @BlakeCasting. They are both terrified of birds.