My Dating Memoir

by Susan Casey

I sometimes read dating memoirs. Well, I read books by female comedians about dating in their twenties, and in my head I call them dating memoirs.

There’s a common refrain: “What can I say? I was [younger than I am now] and he was [cool to me]. If only I knew then what I know now!”

I’ve decided to publish my dating memoirs in medias res. I am 24 years old, and I only know what I know now. So my brain is essentially drunk! All the time! Not because I’m actually drunk, but because I’m in the thick of the action right now. I’m too close to really “get it.” I’m the teddy bear left behind in a burning house (you know, that metaphor?); I can see all the fire and stuff, but my head is stuffed with cotton and I can’t move my limbs. And I’m so innocent.

Here’s the outline.

Chapter One: Hey Baby

It snowed the day I was born; they say I cried a lot. They always remind me I was stubborn!

Chapter Two: I should explain…

Oh man, in fourth grade, in front of the whole class, this boy I liked asked me to call him. I thought he meant on AIM. Even though you don’t “call” people on AIM. Because I wouldn’t let myself consider that he would want a proper phone call. And I really wanted to talk to him on AIM. So I said, “online?” And he was like, “NO?”

He meant for me to call his name out loud, because for some reason I was in charge of dismissal that day. And I just said peoples’ names and then they could go home.

Chapter Three: Doing it

My first boyfriend! He was so nice; we had this thing, where we would almost have sex. Then we did, it was adorable.

Chapter Four: ‘Rebound?’ More like ‘rimshot.’ [AS IN BASKETBALL RIMSHOT, NOT A SEX THING. I MEAN LIKE A REBOUND WHERE EVERYTHING IS CHILL.]

I dated this other guy? He was nice. Not really dated. He’s cool though. Good at Twitter. Also I had a friends-with-benefits thing in college, and he’s a nice person.

Chapter Five: Five-Second Rule

Oh yeah, I’ve never kissed a woman for more than five seconds. Not as a rule. And I love to eat off the floor! But only if the food hasn’t been on the ground for more than five seconds. As a rule.

Chapter Six: ELEPHANTITUS HEART

This one guy I dated for a summer, oh man, I took it hard. He’s fine, though.

Chapter Seven: Allow me to make myself comfortable with some less-real talk

I didn’t know that women don’t urinate directly out of the vagina until a few months ago (I was making a joke about urethras, and my friend said something about women’s urethras, and my mind was blown). I didn’t have sex-ed because I switched school in sixth grade and missed it at both schools.

I have my suspicions why my new private school didn’t teach sex-ed, because surely other kids hadn’t had it yet. My theory is that we were supposed to have sex education, but my sixth grade science teacher, maybe 22 and the shyest adult I had ever met, chickened out. One week, his little sister came in every day and showed us pictures of animals she saw during her semester abroad in New Zealand. I suspect that was sex-ed week.

Chapter Eight: Oh, the parade

I dated another guy, and he was really nice too. I think I was not nice enough for him. And then I dated this other guy who was also nice. Also I slept with two more (both nice).

Chapter Nine: Now I get it

I went home to the ‘BURBS and my first boyfriend drove me home from the bar. He touched the back of my head when we hugged goodbye, and I was like, “ahh!”

Chapter Ten: Phen-Phen Hen

Yeah, I think they were all pretty nice so far. Please like me.

Susan Casey is a comedian in New York. She occasionally posts shorts stories here.