The Service Was Terrible and I Won’t Be Coming Again: A Yelper Reviews Some Dicks

by Gabrielle Moss

Tim, 29, Los Angeles, CA (✮✮✮☆☆): This dick used to be great, like, three years ago. But it’s really taken a turn for the worse over the past year — now the lines are huge, it takes forever to be served, and when you finally get your dick, it’s usually cold and too salty, but they won’t take it back and get you a new one because they’re “too busy.” I blame the neighborhood influx of hipsters — ugh, go back to Ohio, you guys! Anyway, I’m giving it three stars for all my memories of how good this dick used to be, but I guess it’s time for me to find a new regular Sunday morning dick. I hear there’s a pretty good new one over in Westwood.

Charlie, 23, New York, NY (✮☆☆☆☆): If I could give only half a star, I would. Super rushed, terrible ambiance, and weird music choices (seemed like Cam’ron’s “Oh Boy” was just playing on repeat the whole night). Will not be coming back.

Phil, 53, Baltimore, MD (✮✮✮✮☆): Super old school! If you’re tired of all the area’s new ultra-slick modern dicks, try this one out. This dick is a total throwback to a more refined era from America’s past, from the cool tumblers of scotch offered at the night’s beginning, to the absolute refusal to wear a condom. Grab a group of your best girlfriends, put on your Mad Men pencil skirts and check out this dick for a fun, retro night on the town! We even heard there’s a secret passage that leads to a small-batch bourbon distillery, but we couldn’t find it.

Bradley, 36, Ojai, CA (✮✮✮✮✮): This dick was so romantic, my fiancée and I are now talking about holding our engagement party here!

Andy, 32, Wallingford, CT (✮✮✮☆☆): The reservation process with this dick was really time-consuming and involved, so maybe I expected too much. I had just heard it was so exclusive, and I had really high hopes, but it just turned out that Andy went to Catholic school and still has hang-ups and that’s why it takes so long. Guess I should have done more research beforehand? Don’t get me wrong, the dick was perfectly serviceable; but I could have gotten the same dick right in my own neighborhood with a lot less hassle, instead of driving across town and spending two hours beforehand discussing the true meaning of Vatican II.

Arnold, 41, St. Paul, MN (✮☆☆☆☆): DO NOT PATRONIZE THIS DICK! Arnold refused to honor my Groupon because it was the weekend, even though the Groupon didn’t say anything on it about how you could only use it on weekdays. There are plenty of great dicks in this city that aren’t liars and actually respect people! Go to those dicks.

Mark, 25, Tucson, AZ (✮✮✮☆☆): Not only is the service impeccable, but on Thursdays, happy hour lasts until 10, and that includes two-for-one on jalapeno poppers! My co-workers and I always try to hit this dick up after work. I know some people on here have written negative things about how they don’t like all the moles, or the way it curves to the left a little, but I think those are just some of the quirky little touches that make this dick so charming.

Bill, 27, Savannah, GA (✮✮☆☆☆): I didn’t try the dick — I only had a martini, which was pretty good — but my friend Claire said she got food poisoning from it.

Terrence, 45, Annapolis, MD (✮✮✮✮✮): My boyfriend Mike and I live just around the corner from this dick, but we’ve never checked it out. But last Wednesday, we were just looking to try something new (we usually just order Thai food on Wednesdays — I know, I know, old boring couple, what can I say, we’ve been together since college ☺). So we were walking by, and Mike was like, “Why don’t we give this dick a shot?”

Well, let me tell you, it did not disappoint! The presentation was gorgeous, to begin with–the air was full of the scent of fresh sandalwood, the lighting concept was beautiful, and every possible surface was upholstered in tasteful linen. It was a real step up from our regular Thai place, I’ll tell you that much! Given how nice it looked, I figured this dick was going to cost us an arm and a leg, but not only was it affordable, there wasn’t a single corner cut to make it that cheap–the durability, flavor, and even length were easily comparable to dicks that cost twice as much! I almost want to keep this dick my own little secret. It’s so great and I don’t want it to get too crowded. But Yelp is for sharing, and it would be far too selfish to keep a dick like this under wraps! Come by this dick next Wednesday, and you might even see Mike and me there! (we’re doing Thai on Thursdays now).

Adam, 41, Shaker Heights, OH (✮✮✮✮☆): This funky, out-of-the-way little dick is a real gem! I was skeptical about checking it out at first, because it was a Sunday night and everything, and also it was in this part of town that I never go to, but my friend Audrey insisted, and before I knew it, I was having the time of my life! They even have a live jug band on Sunday evenings! I am definitely adding this dick to my regular weekend routine.

Gabrielle Moss is not a dick expert, merely a dick enthusiast, and her advice should not be substituted for that of a certified professional. Follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss.

Photoshop by yours truly.