All the Treats in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

By Natalie Eve Garrett October 29, 2014

Cordelia: Here’s a chocolate…Oh. I don’t think I need the loony-fringe vote.

Buffy: Well, I-I don’t even *like* chocolates…

Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She’s a bad example, and will have no cakes today.

Xander: Yeah. It’s a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful creamy, white substance of goodness. And here’s how you eat it.

Cordelia: They’re, like, ‘Let’s lose some heads’. Uhhh! That’s fair. And, and Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!

Drusilla: Bite your tongue! They used to eat cake, and eggs, and honey. Until you came and ripped their throats out.

Xander: Alright! Someone else’s loss is my chocolatey goodness… A Chocolate Hurricane! These are the best! I haven’t had one of these since my…

Ted: And cookies! Who’s up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies!

Willow: Cookies!

Xander: Ooh! Cookies!…Well, that’s the cookies talkin’, but you rock!

Jonathan: Um…Cinnamon, chocolate, half-caf, nonfat.

Willow: And anyway, Angel’s coming. So she’ll be able to protect him *and* have cake.

Cordelia: Is anybody else gonna have cake?

Joyce: I’m sorry I didn’t have time to make you a real cake.

Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better…

Willow: Like an Oreo Cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey *cookie* goodness.

Lily: Can we get cake?

Rickie: Don’t be stupid. We gotta eat healthy. We can’t have cake. Can we get pie?

Lily: We gave blood lots of times ’cause you get a few bucks. And they have cookies!

Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old ‘you missed me’ routine, but it’s risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood?

Joyce: What would I do with forty chocolate bars?

Giles: It is your destiny… I just bought twenty ‘cocorific’ candy bars.

Snyder: That guy took my candy!

Buffy: The candy. It’s gotta be the candy! It’s cursed.

Willow: God, using candy for evil!

Joyce: Screw you. I want candy.

Giles: Oh, for God’s sake. Just let your mum have the sodding candy.

Willow: It’s a little, uh, PEZ witch! I like…I-I *more* than like. Oz, this is probably the sweetest…We have to find a little PEZ werewolf, so little PEZ witch can have a boyfriend.

Buffy: That didn’t work. Who wants chocolate?

Dickie: I wanna bake a cake.

Jack: Well, I’ve heard some interesting suggestions, but I’m gonna have to go with Dickie’s. Let’s bake a cake.

Xander: Hey! They’re not baking any cake.

Buffy: Right. The, the scene with the, the food. So, feel like getting some hot chocolate? Or a cold shower?

Mayor: That’s my girl. Another cookie? Now. A package is arriving tomorrow night from Central America. Something, and I can’t stress this enough, something crucially important to my Ascension. Without it…well! What would Toll House cookies be without the chocolate chips? A pretty darn big disappointment, I can tell you.

Xander: Oops! Sorry. But why ‘oops’? I mean, we always touch digits. It’s a friend thing. Comfort. Like chocolate.

Buffy: You know, like a cookie or a toy surprise like at the dentist?

Willow: I’ll buy you that celebratory cookie.

Giles: It seemed festive. Um, come in. Candy?

Buffy: No, he wanted the candy. I was just the beard.

Joyce: Oh, that’s not true actually. The candy was for me.

Buffy: There is no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate.

Willow: Look, cookies. A very not-evil thing I did. Oatmeal? Eat a cookie; ease my pain?

Spike: Don’t I get a cookie?

Mayor: Who wants cheesecake?

Buffy: Oh! Oh, look. Giles has no cake.

Dawn: Cake time.

Buffy: No, thanks. Ooh, cookies. How come I get the little cookie treatment?

Dawn: Oh my god. Weird. And chocolates? You’re standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I’m-

Ben: Two steaming cups of chocolate goodness!

Buffy: Does it look chocolatey to you?

Warren: She’s a girl. Sugar and spice and everything…useless unless you’re baking.

Buffy: Do you want me to get you something before I take off? Kleenex? Chocolatey…Chocolate anything?

Anya: Uh, coffee, coffee, coffee, um, hot chocolate.

Giles: Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance…then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.

Willow: And you’re her sweet cookie-face.

Buffy: There is gonna be cake eventually, right?

Spike: Hey now. If I’d-a known you were coming, I’d-a baked a cake.

Dawn: Knock yourself out. I feel a cookie problem coming on, myself.

Andrew: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.

Buffy: I didn’t get this was a popularity contest. I should have equal time to bake them cookies, braid their hair —

Giles: Ooh. Jaffa cakes!

Warren: Quick, before the shortcake comes back.

Anya: I could use a cookie, but I’m not making reckless wishes.

Buffy: OK, I’m cookie dough. I’m not done baking. I’m not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I’m gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat — or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then…that’s fine. That’ll be then. When I’m done.

Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy… do I have to go with the cookie analogy?