How to Have a Dinner Party

1. Invite people who believe in food.
A dinner party will be much more successful if everyone there believes that food really exists. Remember, it just takes one food skeptic to ruin the party. Also, don’t invite anyone who is afraid of food.

2. Ask your guests to prepare questions.
Preparing questions in advance will give the dinner party more structure. However, guests should not expect to receive clear, straightforward answers to their questions since food does not communicate in the same way that people communicate. Also, you may want to ask your guests to bring photographs of their own food — it helps to make connections.

3. Create a food-friendly atmosphere.
Choose a quiet, dimly-lit room with a round or oval shaped table. Light candles, since food is attracted to heat and light. Begin your dinner party near midnight.

4. Ask your guests if they’re ready to participate in the dinner party.
It’s normal for people to giggle nervously, but if anyone looks genuinely afraid, you may want to ask them to leave. Encourage your guests to relax and hold hands. Soft chanting can help.

5. Summon the food.

6. Don’t expect food to suddenly emanate from a corner of the room.
At first it may be difficult to notice the presence of food. Don’t grasp and grope. Patience is required.

7. Pay attention to what’s happening in the room.
If a glass of water tips over, candles flicker, electronic devices spontaneously turn on and off, the cat acts strangely, rogue shadows appear or a door inexplicably shuts, food may be present. Listen for banging noises. It helps to close your eyes!

8. Try to decipher the food.
A dinner party can last for a few minutes or even an hour or more. Bear in mind that dinner parties can be emotionally intense experiences. If one of your guests begins to cry or scream out in terror, escort that person to a room that is free of food.

9. End the dinner party.
The ending of a dinner party usually occurs when the food in the room dissolves. Blow out the candles and thank your food and your guests for coming.

10. After your dinner party guests leave, take time to process what happened.
Are you sure that food was really involved?

Natalie Eve Garrett is an artist and writer who believes in food.

Image via João André O. Dias.