How To Write An Email

Mary Beard knows everything about everything, so if she says she knows the right and wrong way to send an email, I believe her.

I have to say that, despite what I have just said, I actually prefer those emails which are exactly as old-fashioned letters would have been: “Dear Mary… Yours, Simon” (I hope Dr Heffer is reading this, because it to you whom I refer, though I rather doubt you are!). I find myself more irritated with those much more email specific locutions, that play too much with the apparent familiarity of the genre.

I, for example, do use “Hi Simon” (though not to Dr Heffer), but sort of hate myself when I do.

She has a particular dislike for emails that start with “Dear Mary, I hope this email finds you well…” (“Did letters once start like that? Maybe they did, but not any that I used to receive. And it does seem the worst sort of inanity.”) and emails that fake a certain kind of friendly intimacy, i.e. “Dear Mary, I hope you are having a lovely holiday..” “Err sorry, sunshine,” Mary retorts, “I have been, and am, working my socks off, and while you might think this is a holiday (and honestly you shouldn’t, as you should be working too), I DONT.”

This is bringing up a lot of questions for me. I mean, I know “I hope you are well” is a dumb way to start an email, but it’s also dumb to start an email with just “Hey I need something from you do it right now you dumb idiot,” which is pretty much what you’re implying when you don’t even make an attempt at a dumb statement that shows you recognize you’re speaking to a human being with their own lives and their own priorities and you’re sorry for interrupting that with your dumb email.

On the other hand, if Mary Beard emailed me “jump” I would email her back “how high.” So.

Perhaps the only solution is to never email anyone ever again.