How Many Types of Millennials Are There?

If there’s one thing every millennial hates, it’s an overly broad generalization about what every millennial thinks.

But is it better or worse to try to carve the 18–34 age group into smaller segments? Would it highlight the diversity of a widely divergent generation, or just amplify stereotypes?

“Are These the 12 Types of Millennials?” Adweek asked us.

I don’t even need to list the types for you; the answer’s obviously no, and it’s offensive to have been asked. I’m sick of companies co-opting my age to make baseless assumptions about me. I’m sick of being pigeonholed into an era accused of being superficial, vapid, and careless, despite my best intentions not to be. I’m sick of being treated like I care about anything other than plants of the nightshade family.

The next time you want to make a sweeping generalization about millennials, please approach someone who knows, like, I don’t know, the United States Potato Board, the only people who really understand me. They’ve released a study outlining their potato/millennial outreach; their chief goal is to “Better understand the Millennial audience, especially attitudes and behaviors related to potatoes,” which… thank you. It’s so refreshing to talk to someone who actually gets it.

When it comes to potatoes, though, Millennials are not significantly different from the rest of the population. Potatoes are primarily consumed for dinner at home as the main component of a side dish. Mashed, baked and French fries are the top three potato preparations. When preparing potatoes at home, 73 percent are using fresh, and of those, 51 percent are using russet. According to previous USPB studies, this is right in line with what older generations are doing.

Attitudes about potatoes among Millennials are very positive. Eighty-nine percent rate potatoes “excellent” or “good” for being a good value, and 88 percent rate potatoes “excellent” or “good” for being something everyone would enjoy. In fact, potatoes rate highest on what’s most important to Millennials.

My list of what’s important to me, a millennial:

10) Billy Crystal’s old face
9) Good granola
8) The internet
7) Haley
6) Cheese
5) Wine on clearance
4) Theo Huxtable
3) Denise Huxtable
2) Dogs
1) Potatoes

The USPB is right. There are really only two types of millennials, you guys: the potato-loving variety, the ones who come home after a long day of grad school or work or an unpaid internship or blogging while in their pajamas, who are shouldering student loan debt or a crummy economy or the G train being shut down or lack of an HBO GO password, who soldier through despite it all, who open their refrigerator or cupboard, and they grab that starchy, tuberous crop and use it to dry their millennial tears, and then they make joy out of it; and fucking traitors. What side are you on?