Everyday Superpowers

by SulagnaMisra

Having a weird name: You know not to trust anyone who goes “Oh, that’s too hard! Let’s give you a nickname!” when you insist otherwise. They keep getting your name wrong, even when you sign your work emails in RED BOLD CAPITALS. But when you will steal their lunch, or fancy pens, or soul, they will have no name to accuse. “[Mangled version of your name] did it!” they’ll cry, after you’ve left the scene. “There’s no one here by that name,” the universe will answer, and you will laugh, the universe chuckling along with you.

Disorganization: You know where everything is in your room, while most people can barely find the floor. Your plans for the perfect soft-boiled egg will stay buried under your laundry forever, far from the eyes of jealous aspiring chefs. Your uncashed checks stay hidden in your desk drawers, away from the prying hands of your bank. Your hair-covered hairbrush is full of secrets.

Being a fan-girl: No one, and I repeat — Sherlock Holmes, are you listening? — NO ONE will ever guess your password if it’s named after your favorite character of a cancelled TV show that most Americans have never heard of. Next time you’re on a bad date or, more likely, terrible networking phone call, you can text your friend a simple “Vatican cameos” and she will know, despite no prior discussion, that you need to be extracted.

Highly Sensitive: You have friends you never have to defend. “But they’re really nice to me!” Nuh-uh, they’re super nice to everyone because you don’t hang with jerks who like to play devil’s advocate. Your tears when you get angry or stressed terrify your erring co-workers into doing better. Your laughter lights up the faces of people around you.

Dropping Food On Your Shirt: Save that ketchup for later! Also, now you never need to keep a food diary. Just never wash that top again, for posterity.

Forgetting What Floor You Parked Your Car On: Now you have hardcore Beyoncé butt and thighs from walking up and down those steps. Also, you’ll never forget what stop the vending machine is on.

Alternatively, Not Having A Car: “Oh dear,” you get to say after walking outside after group dinner. “I can’t find my invisible jet!” “That’s okay, I’ll give you a ride,” says Anne, as you follow her into the parking lot. “I’ll pick it up tomorrow morning,” you answer. “Sure you will, Wonder Woman,” says Anne as she starts up the car. “Can you give me directions to Themyscira again?”

Wearing Glasses: Want to go back into that boutique? The one where you left all the clothes in a pile in the floor of the fitting room because you were A Different Person back then? Forgo the contacts and put on some glassesl now no one knows it’s you. Instant undercover! Also, put some money in the tip jar and hang up your clothes, jeez.

Sulagna Misra is writer living on the Internet who likes to stare into space. You can follow her here or here.