Approved Catcalls

by Emily Henry

YOUR MIND IS BEAUTIFUL, YOUR BODY STRONG, AND I WANT TO BUY YOU A BURRITO, IF YOU’D LIKE. IF NOT, B-).

SORRY IT LOOKED LIKE I WAS WINKING. I HAD DUST IN MY EYE AND I WAS TRYING TO CHOOSE A FAVE BEYONCE SONG. COULDN’T DO IT!!

DO U LIKE SPIRIT ANIMAL QUIZZES? ME TOO! WHAT’S UR FAVE STEVIE SONG? STEVE NICKS, I MEAN.

I’M SURE YOU’RE BUSY. THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A SECOND AS YOU’RE BIKING PAST: I BET YOU HAVE AN INDOMITABLE SPIRIT.

I HOPE YOU’RE EXPERIENCING DEEP, PROFOUND JOY DESPITE ALL THE BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN OUR SHARED WORLD.

I LOVE MULDER’S ONE-LINERS BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK SCULLY’S THE BACKBONE OF THE DUO. SHE KEEPS THINGS AFLOAT.

WOULD YOU LET ME BUY YOU BBQ? IF YOU ARE VEGAN, I ALSO KNOW OF A VEGAN BBQ RESTAURANT.
IT’S REALLY GOOD.

ISN’T IT STUPID HOW OUR CULTURE SHAMES PEOPLE FOR LIKING FAST-PACED EXCITING BOOKS???

I AGREE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ENJOYING ROMANCE IN BOOKS AND MOVIES. IT’S FINE!!!

IF I WERE A FROZEN BEVERAGE, I’D BE A SHAMROCK SHAKE. CARE TO SHARE WHAT YOU’D BE? NO? OK, I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY!

IF YOU SUSTAINED AN INJURY, I’D CALL TIM RIGGINS AND HE’D CARRY YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

I’M SORRY IF YOU’RE NOT SMILING CUZ THIS WORLD HAS YOU DOWN. IF YOU’RE JUST THINKING, SORRY FOR THE INTERRUPTION!

HERMIONE IS OBVIOUSLY MY FAVORITE CHARACTER. WHAT ABOUT YOU????

WHO ARE YOUR FAVE FEMINIST THINKERS? I’M TRYING TO EDUCATE MYSELF!

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BRAND OF WHISKY? IF YOU DON’T WANT TO ANSWER, I UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU WANT TO BE A RAPPER OR A COMIC OR A GAMER, I SUPPORT THAT AND WON’T THREATEN YOU WITH DEATH AND/OR RAPE!

YOU WILL BE A WONDERFUL CAREERPERSON AND PARENT, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT.

I BET YOU LOVE YOUR JOB.

YOU CAN HAVE THIS BAG OF CAPPUCINO LAYS POTATO CHIPS AS I THINK THEY ARE DISGUSTING. BEST OF LUCK.

I DON’T THINK VAMPIRE DIARIES IS STUPID. IT’S ACTUALLY REALLY SMART WRITING.

IT’S WEIRD HOW HATEFUL EVERYONE IS TOWARD KIM KARDASHIAN, DON’T YOU THINK???

ARE YOU AT ALL INTERESTED IN HEARING ABOUT MY FAVORITE UNDERRATED FEMALE HORROR WRITER??

EXCUSE ME, MS, CARE TO SIGN MY PETITION TO GET ALZHEIMERS-CAUSING INGREDIENTS TAKEN OUT OF WOMEN’S DEODORANT?

Emily Henry is a young, adult writer who is a young-adult writer, and she’s wearing the same thing as last time you saw her. Her debut novel, THE LOVE THAT SPLIT THE WORLD, will be available in 2016 from Razorbill/Penguin. She also tweets.

Illustrations by Hallie Bateman.