Wash Your Clothes, You Filthy Animals

I know a lot of people went shopping this weekend, because I hear that’s what Americans do after Thanksgiving, I wouldn’t know, in Canada we have Boxing Day like civilized consumers and just troll the Internet for Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals like good, honest credit card holders who make responsible decisions with their income, but anyway, did any of you buy clothes this weekend? Because if so I just really need to remind you to wash them before you wear them. If I learned one thing from working retail for so many years, it’s that the clothes in stores are fucking disgusting. I’m shuddering just thinking about it. Do you know how many pit-stained sweaters I’ve hung right back on hangers and sold to unsuspecting customers hours later? How many sale pairs of jeans have been trampled by muddy boots and then dusted off and folded and re-shelved? I’ve found used condoms and tampons discarded on piles of novelty t-shirts inside change rooms; I’ve seen people wipe their noses on the sleeves of blouses and rip that totally superfluous pad they stick to the crotch of bathing suits off so they can try them on “to see how they really fit.” And let’s not forget the leathery shell encasing our muscle and bones is constantly molting greasy skin cells!! If right now you’re thinking you’re safe because you bought your clothes online and thus they came right from a factory line to your door: no. At best they are just covered in flecks of dust and dirt. Don’t be fooled by their starched appearance. Retail employees like me do that on purpose to lure you into a false sense of security so you don’t start thinking about the fact that you’re trying on a pair of raw denim heritage brand $400 jeans that are, for all intents and purposes, encrusted with the filth of humanity.

But also did you get anything good? Send me pics please.