All of Mark Ruffalo’s On-Screen Kisses, From Worst to Best

By The Hairpin January 16, 2015

by Estelle Tang

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Hand up if you don’t want to bone Mark Ruffalo. Ok, go away: this is not for you. The rest of you: welcome. We are all made of stars and of the desire to tug down Mark Ruffalo’s pants. What is it about this fine three-quarters-Italian man? He is beautiful and soft, like a teddy bear you want to fuck. His film roles are made up of a) cops, b) damaged but handsome men, c) loveable rogues, and d) the Hulk. He Instagrams poetry. He calls his wife “my queen.” 80% of his movies include a scene where he removes his shirt.

On behalf of those who choose to be entertained by movies, I thank thee, Mark Ruffalo. I thank also your movies, many of which call for you to kiss a fellow actor in the name of silver-screen romance. Some of these kisses are better than others. Do you want to know my opinion on this, Mark Ruffalo? No? Too bad. This is my list of all your on-screen kisses, from worst to best.

13. View from the Top (2003)
Even my love of grammar will not stop me from describing Mark Ruffalo’s kisses with Gwyneth Paltrow in this movie as “worst, very worst”. This egregious fart of a movie details the dreams of a small-town gal, Donna (GOOP). All Donna wants is to get out of Silver Springs, Nevada — and the way she does this is to plump for a job as a flight attendant. So far, so fine, but along the way we get some high-level classism, and Mike Myers playing a man making fun of — I mean “with” — strabismus. It’s cool to make fun of physical differences, everyone! Sigh. The noughties were a different time.

Anyhow, this is easily the least stirring Mark Ruffalo kiss. There’s no chemistry between GOOP and the Ruff, who plays Ted, a law student on a life break, just hanging around on a lake. From the moment Ted fixes Donna’s bikini with a bread-bag tie, we know it’s supposed to be on between them. But when he learns that Donna is about to set off for the jetsettin’ life, he declines to kiss her, saying he doesn’t want just a “goodbye kiss”. If the movie is going to have a happy ending, it should end there, and Mark Ruffalo should move to NYC and kiss me instead. But no, they meet again, in Cleveland of all places, and they kiss a lot. It’s like watching someone rub an apple on a piece of paper. Do not watch, for sanity’s sake.

Are you doing a push-up, or are you just not attracted to me at all?

12. Thanks for Sharing (2012)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Another attempt to make Mark Ruffalo and Gwyneth Paltrow a “thing”. I have no idea who thought it might be wondrous to get this apple-and-paper situation happening again. Thanks for Sharing is a multi-protagonist feature whose characters meet at a sex addiction group. It feels like a very expensive ad for Sex Addicts Anonymous; it’s blandly shot and feels cardboardy. (Seriously, look at this John Edward–tinged promo image.) Ruffy plays Adam, who’s been sober for five years and is nervous about entering the dating pool. Gwyneth plays a cool, sweet cancer survivor whom Paul thinks might be a real romantic prospect.

Onto kissing. The kiss scene here is probably better than the one in View from the Top. But I couldn’t really tell, because I was too distracted and weirded out by the lead-up, which is that Phoebe offers Adam some rehydration gel after they exercise and she licks it off his chin. SEXY RIGHT. How did this make it to the big screen, or the small screen, OR IN FACT ONTO A PIECE OF PAPER OR OUT OF SOMEONE’S BRAIN. She puts actual GOOP on his face. COME ON. Was that the price they had to pay to get Gwyneth into the film? IDK, whatever.

Then there are other kissing scenes, including one where Phoebe does a sexy dance for Adam. This screenshot pretty much sums up my feelings about the whole endeavor.

“Nooooooo please go away”

11. Rumor Has It (2005)
I love La Aniston as much as anyone, but let’s all admit that this is a weird little rash on the rom-com body. Rumor Has It takes the premise that The Graduate was based on a real story. Jen plays Sarah Huttinger, whose mom and grandma both hooked up with the same guy, Beau Burroughs (Kevin Costner). Ol’ Sarah is feeling a little icky about marriage, even though she’s affianced to our boy Ruff (here called “Jeff”). When she discovers that her mother ran away to Cabo with Beau the week before her wedding, Sarah tries to find Beau. THEY ALSO HOOK UP. This is much worse than that thing with Julie Cooper and Marissa’s ex-boyfriend on The O.C.

“Jeff” is one of Mark Ruffalo’s shittest roles. He doesn’t get to do much here except play the wounded soul. Let all casting agents be aware that if Mark Ruffalo is used poorly, it reflects badly on all of us. Let him be funny, for god’s sake.

Ok, so on to the kisses. Sarah and “Jeff” kiss at the end, but we don’t care, because what do we know about their relationship? Pretty much nothing, except that Sarah’s not that into it. There is also a “comic” scene at the beginning, where Sarah convinces “Jeff” to have sex in the airplane bathroom with her. At least this time, you’re supposed to think something’s not right with them.

This is how well that goes, and how much they’re into each other.

10. The 2nd Day of Christmas (1997)
Haha! Mark Ruffalo in a Christmas movie. That’s all you really need to know. It’s cute, it’s cheesy.

I guess if you really insist on not watching A Mom for Christmas this year, this will do.

9. Begin Again (2013)
I thought I was going to hate this movie, but it’s kind of ok really, a cheese soufflé slash extended Spotify commercial about two people who become FRIENDS thanks to the MAGIC OF MUSIC. I didn’t even hate Adam Levine in this movie (THAT MUCH). Keira Knightley is, as ever, a delightful scrap of a gal whose Adam Levine Boyfriend/Music Writing Partner betrayed her soul both ROMANTICALLY and MUSICALLY (he falls in love with some music marketing person, and then, horreur, performs a song she wrote like he is in Maroon 5 instead of like he is Bon Iver). Luckily, when she plaintively bleats one of her tunes at an open-mic night, Mark Ruffalo’s Disgraced Music Executive, Dan, is Drunk in a Bar, Having Lost His Job. He likes the song, they record an album together, they ALMOST KISS but don’t.

The relevant kiss in this movie is actually kind of a sidebar of a kiss. Dan ends up kissing his estranged wife, played in her sleep by Queen Catherine Keener. Unfortunately, it’s not a relationship I really cared about; it’s not really the focus of the film, nor is it set up in a satisfying way. Hence this kiss lands in the lower end of this list.

Eh.

8. In the Cut (2003)
You might know that in this film, Mark Ruffalo’s Detective Malloy goes down on Meg Ryan’s Frannie. He also kisses her feet, if you’re into that. So, no offence to kissing, but it’s hardly the apex here. Plotwise, Frannie is an English teacher who’s seen something that could help track down a serial killer. She suspects that Malloy, who’s on the case, was actually responsible, but she’s also attracted to him. Theoretically, this should create a whole lot of narrative tension, but Frannie is so opaque a character that it doesn’t create much impact, and neither do the sex scenes here.

More importantly: Ruffalo’s moustache in this film is out of control.

Is that a caterpillar on your lip, or are you just playing an early-90s cop?

7. XX/XY (2002)
In case you’re interested, this is the movie that really tested my patience. Our loveable Ruff-ian has really been in some shitty movies. If you want to see a long shot of MR walking down a hallway, set to “Kool Thing”, then this is the movie for you! Otherwise, it’s a pretty ho-hum affair about our dude, improbably named Coles Burroughs, who falls in love with Sam (Maya Stange) but jeopardises their relationship by sexing Thea (Kathleen Robertson, who needs to come back into my life more emphatically).

Movie = boring, but the early Coles–Sam kisses are actually lovely. These kids are young and sweet and beautiful, and they don’t know what’s coming next.

NB. Mark Ruffalo has a soulpatch for half of this movie.

Nawwww.

6. We Don’t Live Here Anymore (2004)
Kinda tiresome two-couple adultery drama based on two Andre Dubus short stories. Jack (Our Mark) loves Edith (Naomi Watts), but is married to Terry (Laura Dern). Edith is married to philandering poet Hank (Peter Krause). The reason this otherwise bleh movie is so far up in the list is because Edith kisses Jack with the exact kind of fuck-drunk face that I imagine I would have if I were to have a sexy affair with Mark Ruffalo.

Do it for me, Naomi.

5. 13 Going on 30 (2004)
I can tell some of you are going to be angry with me for placing this one so low on the list. Despite its rating of 6.1 on IMDB, 13 Going on 30 is the downlow rom-com favorite of almost everyone I have ever met (a slight exaggeration). It’s because Jennifer Garner playing Jenna, a 13-year-old in a 30-year-old’s body, aka the “gal’s version” of Big, is so charming and perfect that everything seems rose-tinted when you finish watching. It is SO SAD for baby Jenna in adult Jenna’s body when she realizes the decisions she made led to her losing her very best friend, Matt (who, in adult land, is played by Mark Ruffalo). Jenna goes back in time, is nice to Matt instead of mean, and BAM! They’re back in the future and THEY ARE WED. Don’t get me wrong: this is an adorable and much anticipated kiss within the context of the movie, and it’s great. But it’s kind of abrupt? That’s my definitive take on it, please ignore the question mark that indicates some uncertainty.

“Mawidge, that dweam wifin a dweam…”

4. My Life Without Me (2003)
Sarah Polley is a goddess and it’s stupid to pretend that this movie, even the kisses, is about anything but her. In My Life Without Me, which made me sob, Polley plays Ann, a 23-year-old who discovers she has terminal cancer. Instead of telling her family and friends, she writes a list of the things she wants to do before she dies, including “Make love with another man to see what it’s like.” “Another man” turns out to be Lee (MRuff), who spies her at a diner and is immediately intrigued. Ann has devoted her whole life to her husband and kids, and when she kisses Lee you can see everything in her face: joy, desperation, and despair. Just beautiful.

I didn’t even notice he was in the shot, tbh.

3. The Kids Are Alright (2010)
Do not watch this movie in a public space, because when Julianne Moore (playing Jules, in a committed relationship) pashes on with Mark Ruffalo (playing Paul, the biological father of her children, via sperm donation), you will need somewhere to go and rub one out. This is two of the hottest actors in the Western world getting it on. I saw it on a plane, which was a very uncomfortable experience because I like to experience erotic moments in private.

This is peak Ruffalo sexiness, because the role combines all his best actorly attributes: some loucheness, a touch of slapstickish comedy, and sex. And this is a good movie: the sexual tension builds up nicely and believably. The kiss is not just a kiss; it’s an example of Paul’s poor life choices and brutish appeal, combined with Jules’ mid-life yearning.

Hey, everyone. I just need to be alone right now.

2. The Normal Heart (2014)
In this devastating TV movie, Ruffalo plays Ned Weeks, a writer turned activist when his friends fall victim to “gay cancer” that no one can cure — or seems much interested in curing. Never having been in love, Ned is thrilled when he falls head over heels with Felix (Matt Bomer, as perfect as David and utterly luminous), a New York Times journalist. Their first kiss arrives unannounced in the middle of a dinner where Ned jumps between flirting and reeling off statistics about the epidemic: it’s a loaded moment, and so sexy that I started saying “Oh my god, oh my god” and didn’t stop until the scene was over. The film follows Ned’s battle to persuade politicians, his own brother, and even his allies to do more for their dying friends. Felix contracts HIV, and at the end of the film, when Ned “marries” Felix, they kiss over and over again — knowing they’re saying goodbye. This one will make you weep like a baby.

May I offer you an amuse-bouche?

1. Just Like Heaven (2005)
NUMBER ONE. My steed is mounted, my swords are out. I am willing to ride or die for this top pick. Reese and Ruffalo are the cookies and cream of my rom-com world. They are so cute and funny together. Everything about this movie is perfect, from Witherspoon’s workaholic doctor Elizabeth, to mopey gentleman widower David (The Muffalo), to the fact that their meet-cute happens when Elizabeth is a COMA-GHOST. For the whole of this movie, they cannot touch each other so when they finally do, it is absolute bliss and worth every calorie of that mint chip ice-cream you just ingested. Just Like Heaven gets the nod because it’s a classic, and it’s the movie that turned me into a Ruffalo Wife. I will defend until I die.