Working Girl

by The Hairpin

Working Girl has been on my mind lately; after Mike Nichols passed away in November, I was inspired to re-watch the 1988 comedy starring Melanie Griffith, Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, and a super slimy Alec Baldwin. So, let’s Lean In™ (sorry not sorry) and recast it for 2015. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Melanie Griffith = Jennifer Lawrence
J. Law has proven adept at Acting While Wigging (AWW) with her bouffant in American Hustle; she nailed the regional accent in the same film; and technically she broke through a glass ceiling (or dome or whatever) at the climax of Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

Sigourney Weaver = Kristen Wiig
HOLLYWOOD. Make this happen. No one is better suited to step into the shoes, leg cast, and notoriously “bony ass” of boss bitch Katherine Parker than Wiig.

Harrison Ford = Dan Stevens
This was an extremely hard role to recast. Harrison Ford was never more charming or effortless than in this role; still safely in the Han Solo afterglow and not yet sentenced to play our collective Action Dad in Patriot Games, The Fugitive, and Air Force One. A lot of men get bandied about as America’s Next Top Harrison Ford, so let me take you through my process of elimination.

Chris Pratt: too young. Jon Hamm: too old. Bradley Cooper: too obvious. Ryan Gosling: too much effort to his effortlessness.

Luckily I recently watched The Guest, an homage to 1980s action thrillers. Dan Stevens (best known as Matthew Crawley on Downton Abbey) plays waaay against type as a mysterious soldier who returns from Iraq to befriend the family of his fallen comrade. I won’t reveal much more but he pulls off a convincing American accent and flexes his range (“his range” is what I call his biceps). More importantly, Stevens shows great skill at Acting While Shirtless (AWS) which is a crucial element to the character of executive stud Jack Trainer. See below:

If Stevens can find the middle ground between nebbish noble and smoldering soldier, then he’s got the part locked down.

BONUS MUSICAL ROUND!
Carly Simon = Taylor Swift
Simon won an Oscar for Best Original Song for “Let the River Run”, which serves as Tess McGill’s anthem throughout the film. I propose that our 2K15 Carly Simon, Tay Swift, doesn’t even have to write a new banger for this remake. Just look at how eerily well this works:

Sometimes I even scare myself.

Two characters we didn’t cast: Joan Cusack and Alec Baldwin. Any suggestions? Leave them in the comments, if you want!

Previously: Oceans Eleven: Ladies Night

Casting Couch is a new regular column on The Hairpin. Photoshop artistry and casting choices by Daniel Reis as certain Hairpin staffers shouted in his face about Harrison Ford. Like our choices? Hate them? Are you from Hollywood and want to give us all your jobs? Email [email protected].