Anna Fitzpatrick, What’s Actually In Your Bag Right Now?

Greetings from McDonalds. I pooped in their washroom and now I’m stealing their Wi-Fi and I DIDN’T EVEN BUY ANYTHING.

A long, long time ago, The Hairpin sought out writers far and wide to ask them, “Hey, what’s actually in your bag right now?” We’re bringing back this feature, because it seemed way more polite than waiting until you go to the bathroom at the coffee shop to rifle through your shit. Here’s the crap that I am lugging around with me RIGHT NOW.

1. The bag is from The Monkey’s Paw, a used bookstore in downtown Toronto made popular on the Internet from their book vending machine. Their tote bags are amazing: strong enough to hold a million books and a measly 12 bucks. I am actually on my fourth tote bag from them. The other ones all saw their messy demise at the hands of exploding pens and spilled coffee.

2. I carry at least one young person book and one old person book on me at all times. Right now I have The Pillow Book, which is not actually about pillows, and a young adult novel called The Dogs, which is not actually about dogs.

3. Bart Simpson Moleskine, for all my brilliant ideas.

4. Invitation to a wedding, paycheck I need to cash, teeny little paper cutout of a pizza emoji left over from Haley’s wedding, because all my stupid friends are finding true love or whatever.

5. Floss, because flossing is important.

6. Wallet filled with millions of dollars.

7. Quarters. I got a whole bunch from the bank to do laundry, and they’ve been sitting in my bag all week because it’s too cold to walk to the laundromat.

8. Hair ties.

9. Plastic Milhouse Van Houten.

10. Makeup: Maybelline foundation and mascara, Body Shop lip balm, and lipsticks (MAC Russian Red, MAC Heroine — a bright purple — and NARS Carthage — a bright pink — because what is subtlety).

11. Keys. My keychain says “The Great Northern Hotel, Twin Peaks, WA, 73.” Unrelated: Once I went to a Twin Peaks-themed party at a bar. I dressed as Diane and won a pretty sweet prize.

12. Lighter + American Spirits I picked up last time i was in New York. I don’t really smoke, but if you ever want to be the most popular person at Canadian party, bring American cigarettes.

13. Little post-it notes shaped like sheep from a Korean stationary store near Yonge & Wellesley. I’ve been using them to take notes while reading The Pillow Book (because counting sheep + pillows!! Get it? GET IT???? These comedic gems are wasted on you).

14. Breath strips that I bought on my way to a date in the anticipation that it would consist of both a garlicky dinner and subsequent make outs. Both those things happened.