The First Wives Club Franchise
by The Hairpin
We’re going to shake things up a little in this month’s edition of Casting Couch. Instead of simply remaking a film, we’d like to present the case for a hypothetical franchise. We all know and love The First Wives Club (with the exception of Jazmine, who has not seen this or literally any movie ever). What if the film didn’t stop with just the first wives? What if, much like The Fast and The Furious franchise, we simply got 2 Wives 2 Furious? YOU’RE WELCOME, HOLLYWOOD.
The Second Wives Club
Sarah Jessica Parker, Elizabeth Berkley, and Marcia Gay Harden reprise their roles as the sidepieces from the 1996 hit comedy.
The Third Wives Club: Third Wife’s a Charm
This threequel follows the comedic exploits of a new generation of wives, each the spiritual doppleganger of the original First Wives.
Bette Midler = Maya Rudolph
Goldie Hawn = Octavia Spencer
Diane Keaton = Sandra Oh
Of course, we need an Ivana Trump for 2K15 to give our heroines sage and sassy advice at the end of the film. Look no further than Jennifer Aniston, who in a moment of seamless product placement will suggest to our gals: “Don’t get mad, don’t get even, get Aveeno.” Special thanks to Durga Chew-Bose for this round of Casting Couch.
Wives Club: Marital Drift
An international cast of cinema’s best-loved real-life marriages convene at a couples retreat in a tropical resort. Stars from Hollywood, Bollywood, and Nollywood collide in this madcap farce written and directed by Pedro Almodóvar.
Spain: Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem
Italy and France: Monica Bellucci and Vincent Cassel
Hong Kong: Carina Lau and Tony Leung
India : Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan
Nigeria: Joke Silva and Olu Jacobs
Wives Club: Why Did I Get Divorced?
This entry is a crossover between the Wives Club and Why Did I Get Married? franchises, written and directed by Tyler Perry. Starring Perry himself, as well as the principal cast of Janet Jackson, Jill Scott, Sharon Leal, Malik Yoba, Tasha Smith, Michael Jai White, and Richard T. Jones all reprising their roles.
Wives Club: You Don’t Own Me
This period piece unites all the wives from all the previous films in the battle to challenge the conservative marriage laws of New York state in 2010.
Wives Club: Royal Mess
We travel across the pond as the royal family is rocked by three simultaneous divorces, including the Queen herself! Starring Emma Watson, Naomi Campbell, and Helen Mirren as you-know-who.
Wives Club: Hell Hath No Fury
The hottest divorce lawyer in New York City is no less than Lucifer himself, portrayed by Al Pacino in a reprisal of his role from The Devil’s Advocate.
Wives Club: HoneyMoon’s Over
The franchise boldly goes where no wives have gone before: the moon! We flash-forward 100 years to a lunar colony where the first extraterrestrial divorce creates a galactic legal precedent. It’s one small step for man, one giant leap for womankind! Starring Kerry Washington as the astronautical divorcee and Sigourney Weaver as her lawyer. In space, no one can hear you squabble.
Casting Couch is a regular column on The Hairpin. Photoshop artistry and casting choices by Daniel Reis as certain Hairpin staffers shouted in his face about Al Pacino. Like our choices? Hate them? Are you from Hollywood and want to give us all your jobs? Email [email protected].