How I Keep My Plain Brown Hair Healthy

For Kim, in case she ever wants to go back to her natural color.

• I try not to feed it gluten or sugar, except on its “cheat” days when I smush a small serving of low-fat chocolate pudding in there.
• I make sure it works out vigorously several times a week by swishing it back and forth, usually at parties, at the club, or on the bus.
• I remember that mental health is just as important as physical health and every morning I give my hair a short pep talk in the mirror, like “Hey, hair! You’re doing great! Don’t worry about the haters!”
• Sometimes I put a mask on my hair. My go to is this one.
• I go into Haley’s apartment while she’s sleeping and steal her fancy shampoos.