Spice Up Your Love Life With These Crazy Dates

After a while, even the most passionate relationships can feel stale. Instead of renewing your vows, trying anal, or breaking up, here are some crazy date ideas to spice up your love life.

Subjectivity Foreplay
Sometimes, the chasm of individual experience feels so vast I think to myself, How could two fully distinct people ever possibly connect? Is life a swirling and chaotic vortex of isolation in which the possibility of two like humans ever a) finding each other and b) communicating a shared reality just a remote fantasy? Don’t think about this! Subjectivity Foreplay is a dating game that exploits the unintelligibility of other humans in order to help you potentially get fucked or married. First, go on a date somewhere in public, preferably to dinner or to an event where you will incidentally encounter some random occurrences. After the date, separate from your partner for 30 minutes and write down everything about the date you believe to be objectively true. You can write anything from You didn’t enjoy your Southwest eggroll appetizer to The restaurant would have been better as a food truck. After you have written your separate lists, reconvene and share your respective truths. You will almost certainly have disagreements regarding the true events of the night, and in this case you should argue until you can collectively reconcile an agreed upon list of things that definitely happened. The inherent passion of negotiating theory of mind should serve as hot foreplay for a night of steamy intercourse! If you don’t have any disagreements regarding the true events of the night, get married.

How to Succeed in Bizness 😉
I have seen several movies about successful businessmen, and if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that selling stuff makes people horny and passionate! Another thing that makes people horny and passionate is sharing a common interest. On this crazy date, one partner must spend the entire date selling the other partner on why something they enjoy is interesting. This date is not the same as, “You should watch this anime/play this sport/eat this food because I like it.” The point of the date is to SELL SELL SELL. According to Mad Men and my dad who is a businessman, a good salesperson always presents a product to the consumer in a way that is emotionally relatable. If your partner has never enjoyed video games or green olives before, they may not understand why you like them unless you present adequate context and training wheels to facilitate the enjoyment experience on their behalf. Use your intimate knowledge of your partner to create for them the ultimate initiation into a thing you love. This date should be mutually satisfying because one person gets to engage their interest, while the other person gets to be wined, dined, and explained to in a way that fully satisfies their unique learning and enjoyment preferences.

Hate Date
If Internet comments, war, nationalism, the success of feminist blogs, Jonathan Franzen backlash, and conversations between popular teens are any indication, mutual distaste brings people together. If you and your partner are having trouble conceiving shared passion, plan a Hate Date to cultivate mutual distaste. The only rule of the Hate Date is that enjoyment is forbidden. Begin by choosing a setting you both dislike strongly. A bad restaurant or dumb movie can make an excellent entry-level hate date, but something flashy and self-important like the convention of a reprehensible subculture will offer ample opportunity to probe the most hateful parts of yourselves and others. On this date, you may not be positive or optimistic about anything except the superiority of yourselves. Communicate only in creative epithets, snide judgements, and holier-than-thou disdain. By the end of the evening you should feel bonded in your shared disgust, and also exhausted by the burden of constant negativity. A Hate Day is a great way to renew your commitment to seeing the best in life and each other.

New Holes
Do not get me wrong, I love sex! I love sex as much as the next modern female-bodied human who is sometimes compared to Hannah Horvath the edgy libertine protagonist on the hit television series Girls created by Lena Dunham airing Sunday nights on HBO. Like earning money or getting the chance to talk to a train conductor about his lifestyle and fleet, sex can be really satisfying and pleasurable. But sometimes, in the midst of someone I love penetrating me vaginally or anally or orally, I think to myself, Is this activity really the sole point of all human existence?

New Holes is a game for coping with existential coital boredom. To play New Holes, you will need: one or more consenting partners, a childlike sense of imagination. The goal of New Holes it to invent a cool new sex hole, and then find a cool new way to fuck it. Beginning players can start by making a fake butt with the fold of their arm, while advanced players may find it stimulating to incorporate inanimate objects or the folds of their partner’s body into their invented holes. The second player need not fuck the new hole using a penetrative strategy. Licking, sucking, rubbing, hugging, humping, and gentle tickling are all acceptable ways to fuck the hole. An added challenge you and your partner(s) may enjoy is really committing to making your engagement with these New Holes authentically erotic. It’s easy to be kooky during weird sex, but fucking the new hole with earnest erotic gusto may lead you and your partner to unknown frontiers of pleasure. Or not! Either way, fucking a fake elbow butt with a straight face is likely to bring any two people closer.

If you do not find any of these four activities enjoyable, break up.

Jamie Lauren Keiles is the last enthusiastic person in New York.