“Boy, Are You..”

by Casey Johnston

Boy, are you WiFi? Because if I have to pay for your ass I’m out.

Boy, are you Bluetooth? Because you forget about me if I’m more than 20 feet away.

Boy, are you USB? Because I always have to try three times before it goes in.

Boy, are you dial-up? Because you’re too slow to call.

Boy, are you a targeted ad? Because it’s really fucking creepy how you show up everywhere I go.

Boy, are you Windows? Because of course you want me back, but I’ve been hurt.

Boy, are you a listicle? Because you make a really big deal about stating the obvious.

Boy, are you AIM? Because you peaked in high school.

Boy, are you Hotmail? Because the only people who fuck with you don’t know any better.

Boy, are you Yahoo search results? Because you have no idea what I need.

Boy, are you MyIdol? Because everyone loves you but I personally don’t get it.

Boy, are you the Internet? Because you pretend the reason for your existence isn’t porn.

Boy, are you a Keynote presentation? Because I love you but I can’t take you anywhere.

Boy, are you a .iso? Because I have to mount you before you’ll do anything for me.

Boy, are you Comic Sans? Because you’re too hard to read.

Boy, are you Sega? Because you no longer have consoles but you’re still all about games.

Boy, are you Nintendo? Because you’re treating me like I’m eight years old.

Boy, are you a 3.5-inch floppy? Because you’re 3.5 inches and floppy.

Casey Johnston is an editor for The Wirecutter and gets paid in exposure to freelance for Twitter dot com